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Having no control

by Ka'Shay

I've been bullied since I was in 2nd grade. I am now 17 and an upcoming senior.I've been anorexic since I was about 12.. which I think triggered my bulimia. I would barely eat and play basketball all day everyday and one day I fainted and my mom found out that I wasn't eating so she started making sure that I ate. I gradually started going back to normal eating habits. That's when my mom and dad split up and I started eating all the time. I noticed I was getting pretty big so I tried dieting and playing ball like usually and then I hit a plateau then one day at school some boy told me I should become bulimic so I did off and on. For a good while I wasn't bulimic it was just like a little habit that would come and go. But once I got to high school it got bad I wouldn't eat at school I would come home and eat and eat and do what I thought was needed. Until I met my boyfriend and I stopped for about two years roughly with the occasional binging and purging. But this past April he left for bootcamp and all hell broke loose. I was out of control I was binging, purging and another one of my habits cutting which cause me to go into deep suicidal periods that would last weeks at a time. But now that my boyfriend is back I can't tell him what's going on or any of my best friends. I feel ashamed, worthless and even like a lost cause. But now the problem is I can't stop binging and purging. I can't go a day without it being on my mind. I know I need help with all of these problems but bulimia is my main one and I can't stop. I know I can't do it by myself but none of my family knows so I'm stuck in this reoccuring cycle. I would tell my boyfriend but there is no point if he's been relocated to Hawii and I'm in Virginia without any guidance of how or where to start this recovery process.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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