Hating my body, the fuel for Bulimia
I realized today how much I hate my body. It’s easy to forget that feeling when I am in bulimia thinking. Bulimia takes up so much brain space and it numbs the feelings that I don’t want to experience.
But now I have made myself so physically sick with bulimia that this pain feels just as bad as what I am trying to numb. I’ve made my body hurt as much as I hurt inside.
I remember that I was fine in my body until I was molested by my grandfather as a kid. Then it changed. I know it’s a text book experience but I still am in amazement how those events set the stage for so much self hatred and persecution. I don’t understand it, I’ve gone to multiple therapists and psychiatrists in an attempt to heal and I was fine for a while … but the hatred of my body was always in the background. Now it’s center stage again.
I’ve gotten so sick with this disease that I can honestly say I do not trust my body to handle any food without gaining weight. If I eat one cookie then I eat the whole box hoping that I can throw it all up. But unlike most bulimics that I read about, throwing up has become harder for me. Last night I consumed around 2,300 calories in one binge and could barely throw any of it up. Afterwards my stomach hurt so bad and I took 12 laxatives … but we all know that barely purges any calories.
I am writing this because I am ashamed of how much I hate my body and I know I have to change that in order to recover. I bought a CBT book that Shaye recommended, “Change Your Thinking” and I’ll start reading it tonight. I know that I am very blessed to have a relatively healthy body and I feel ashamed for taking it for granted, abusing it the way I do.
Thank you for letting me share.
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