Happy Anniversary or 25 years with my Secret Demon
Hi, my name is Sabine and I am bulimic.
It's a long story, I've had that monkey on my back for almost 25 years now. It started when I was about 19 or so. Memories of throwing up in the middle of the night while studying & binging at my parent's house, throwing up in the bathrooms at university.
Denial. My parents didn't know how to deal with it so they tip-toed around my "problem", urging me to eat, eat and eat until I finally did and over-ate, felt guilty, didn't want to gain weight ... and threw up again.
I felt so bad, I didn't want to throw up but I didn't want to gain any weight and I had no self-control when it came to food. Once I started there was no stopping.
I have been through a lot of changes in my life, lived in different countries, had different jobs, studied a lot ... and my Big Demon has always been with me.
I won quite a few battles and he was quiet for a while. One time not too long ago I thought he was gone for good. I was wrong.
I believe that the reason why I am still alive is that I never threw up more than 4 or 5 times a day in the worst times. Usually "only" once or twice a day. Sometimes every day, sometimes 2 - 5 times a week. Occasionally I went without throwing up for a few days in a row.
I tried to stop countless times.
I had no support until I found this wonderful website. I guess it was meant to be that I found it that day. Or I am finally ready for the final battle ...
My father passed away 20 years ago, my Mom is almost 80 now and I cannot bring up that horrible problem she thought was long long gone, I cannot burden her with it.
My husband of almost 18 years caught me not too long after we had gotten married and threatened to leave me if I didn't stop. He didn't know how to support me and felt powerless.
About 7 years ago he caught me again and I was able to smooth things out one more time but it was close to divorce. I have been very careful.
I knew I needed to stop. But then again, I knew that since I started. I tried. Succeeded for a while. Had a relapse. Felt horrible. Felt out of control. Felt that I had no control over my life. Had no control over my mind telling me to eat, eat, eat and puke, puke, puke. Tried again to stop. Succeeded for a while. Next relapse. ....... The never-ending story. Until now.
I started my recovery on April 26, 2012, one day after I had found this wonderful website that gave me hope. I know now that I can do it! I was amazed to read other people's stories. I could relate to them. They were me. I'm not alone. :-)
So I have been binge & purge free since April 26, 2012. I am sticking to the 3 meals, 3 snacks per day and am slowly experiencing food on a completely new level. I am enjoying it. I felt so elated when I realized that I can eat EVERYTHING, even cake and cookies. I do not have to avoid these treats. I can eat them in MODERATION and I CAN control how much I am eating.
I changed my normal sized plates and bowls to small ones so that I don't get tempted to put more on it than I should eat. It's one day at a time, sometimes it's just getting past a million cravings.
Today was day 10! I can do this. If I slip, I'll get up. I will forgive myself and will not start from day 1 again. Recovery Road is full of stumbling blocks but if I stumble, I can still stay on the road. I do not have to go back to the beginning.
I apologize that this has gotten so long, it just kept flowing. I guess I kept it in for so long and I'm glad that I got it out now! :-)
Shaye, I cannot tell you how eternally grateful I am to you for setting up such an incredible website. Your videos are fantastic, I watched them all, and your tips are truly priceless. You are such a beautiful person inside and out! Congratulations on winning your fight and thank you for giving me hope! Big hugs to you!!!!!!
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