Goodbye Food, Hello Thin.
I started throwing up after I ate when I was 14. I just did it once, because I heard something about it on TV. And I was curious to seeing if it really worked.
Nothing has been the same, since. I have been in and out of a few recovry centers. But nothing has ever helped. I am now 20, and married. My husband knows nothing of this. I am too ashamed to tell him that I do this to myself.
I have always had addictive tendencies. I started stealing my moms cigarettes at about aqe 12. Craving the nicotine.
I binge. I am a compulsive eater. An emotional eater. I stuff my face until I can't hold another bite. Then I go take care of business. I'm quite good at hiding it. None of my friends in high school ever suspected it. And my husband knows nothing.
We go out to eat all the time. I will eat my salad, excuse myself to the restroom. Making room for my meal. After my meal, excuse myself to the restroom again to "freshen up" while he takes care of the check.
My wedding dress was the smallest size it came in, and still had to be taken up, and yet I still cried the day of my wedding day, looking at myself in the mirror, seeing something totally disgusting. This is going to ruin my marraige. If I eat before bed, then my husband wants to have sex, I feel so horrific that I cant even have sex with him. This is going to end up pushing him away. He hates my insecurities.
I want help. I need help. I just don't know how to get through this. I look at other people wondering how they are okay with eating? After they eat, how are they keeping their food down?
My teeth are sensative. I have constant mouth sores. My skin bruises so easily. My skin has lost its natural hue, leaving me in a faded out pale version. I am constantly weak all of the time.
I want to live a life - bulimia free.
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