"Good job Kaylee you held down 2 meals so tonight u can binge and purge..."
I need more advice from everyone... So, I manage to get down 2 meals... breakfast and lunch.. I actually like holding those down... Then, at night I'm like "ok its 6 now, I get to binge" I don't get it? My mind really wants to get better but my body is like eat and throw up! It's really annoying... I even try to just eat a meal and then right after I'm like ok more more more more purge purge more more... It's so gross. And, I even thought today "Good job Kaylee you held down 2 meals so tonight u can binge and purge" Like wtf? Why did I think that? It's like it's a reward but its not - because I want to be a normal eater.
I just give in to these food cravings sooooooooo easily. I do try, I just give in. It's frustrating because now my stomach is probably like so out of wack it doesn't know what to do. What can I do? I feel like I'm stuck and I cant get out.
Also, how do I not spend money on this binge food? It's like I go to the store and then I tell myself 'no don't get that' and then I get a bunch of food for "just in case" and then bp that night EVERY time. And, then if I don't get the food I binge on the "good food" I'm using to eat during the day and then I'm pissed because I didn't have any binge food in the house.... Wow I want to cry just typing this!
someone. anyone. help.
I feel your pain girl - I know exactly what you mean! Please, don;t be too hard on yourself - treat yourself kindly! Remember, you are making progress, even if it's not as fast as you had hoped! Do you know, it took me 7 months before I had my firs completely binge and purge free day?!
For the first few months of my bulimia recovery I managed to cut down my binge/purge sessions to about 3-4 times a day... Then, after a few more months I managed to keep binging and purging just for the evening (like what you're doing now) Then, finally, after 7 months I made it! A whole day free from bulimia... it was amazing - and although it took a long time, I knew it was progress :)
Remember you have the power within you to say no to your binge cycles at any time - like I wrote in my last newsletter. Do the exercise I suggested in it... Breaking down your binges into steps and then figuring out other things you could do at each stage to distract yourself... It will take practice to get this right - but if you can postpone your evening binges for 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 1/2 an hour, then a few hours... Then completely... It's slow, but steady progress!
Remember - it took years to develop the habit of bulimia - it's unrealistic to think you will break it overnight, or in a week, or even a month. But, as long as you are moving in the right direction - you will get there!
Also, just wondering if you are allowing yourself to eat 'play' or 'fun' foods during the day from time to time? If you only allow specific healthy foods to pass your lips, then you'll feel deprived and more likely to binge. If you eat say, a little bit of chocolate after your lunch... and some crackers and cheese as an afternoon snack... You're taste buds will feel more satisfied and you'll be less likely to want binge in the evening... Whatever your 'play' foods are is up to you - but try to eat something fun every day!
When you go to the store - perhaps just buy single serve portions - that way you'll only be able to eat a normal amount. Close your eyes if you have to when walking past the binge foods... Just do whatever it takes to not buy them. It'll be a challenge at first, but as you've become used to eating well during the day, you'll get the hang of the evenings too...
Try these ideas out - they'll be a good start.