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Going through hell

by Nona price

I don't remember how I started it was a few years ago I just remember this horrible feeling of wanting an escape from feeling different and being overweight
My elementary school experience
In school I was always bullied for being overweight and ugly. The other kids were very mean to me. I used to get bullied so bad I'd stay home for weeks at a time. I remember the guys in my class telling me touch someone backpack or sweater or desk so they wouldn't use it anymore. People would freak out when I went near them i felt very alone. The kids acted like I had some sort of disease. I never told anyone I was being bullied. I always kept it to myself.
Well in higbschool I came out that im a lesbian. Alot of people made fun of me. I lost alot of weight naturally and i became I a vegetarian in grade 8.I remember having all sorts of home issues. I got kicked out of my house and sent to live with my grandmother. Around this time the bulimia started my parents couldn't accept that I was gay neither could the kids at school. I began to sneak away from the house and go outside with a water bottle and throw up for about an hour in pain I'd come back home and go on the computer until the pain was gone. I thought if I was smaller and beautiful maybe someone would love me. At 16 I ran away from my grandmother's because I felt like I didn't belong. I ended up moving to a new town and going to a new school. I was living with my cousin now.
The bullima got worse
At this point my bulima was getting worse I began throwing up after everything I ate. Even small things. I'd throw up until I couldn't anymore I'd lie in the bathroom on the floor just wanting to die in pain I'd just stay there until I had enough strength to stand back up. I wanted to stop I knew it wasn't good for me and that it was unhealthy yet I couldn't. I was ashamed i felt alone and like a freak more than ever. I wanted to be accepted and i wanted to feel loved. I remembered ome night my cousin had to take me up to the hospital. Shed come home and found me lying on the bathroom floor my mouth bleeding I was holding my stomach and crying. I had thrown up so much.
Present day
I'm still struggling with my bullima. A typical morning for me is wake up look in the mirror and see the reflection of an overweight girl with white pasty skin, dull green eyes ugly and worthless. I get dressed in baggy clothes so no one will notice how fat I am. My typical breakfast is 3 eggs, 4 toast, an apple, 3 bowls of cereal, cheese and crackers, 5 yogurt cups and 3 bagels. After that I grab my water bottle and begin my vicious cycle. I go to the bathroom throw up take a sip of water and throw up again. I continue until i all that's comes up is water. I stay there bent over the toilet until the pain subsides. I inhale all my emotions keeping all the pain and anxiety inside. I stand up embrace myself fir the upcoming the day. I know I need help and im still trying I sent an email to the councler at school. I also want to go see my mother I haven't had any contact with her since I was 14. I'm now 19. I know I need help and im trying for all you people out there who feel like me please know that you can beat this. It has taken me a long time so search for help but now I am reaching out. You can too.

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