Going full circle from anorexia to bulimia to anorexia
I have been in recovery for nearly 4 months with only a couple of slip ups back in the first month or so. So going well :)
To start with I stuck to a strict eating plan of eating every few hours and had only healthy food. But I did think at the time it was in big quantities and more often than most people. This was diffciult to deal with especially cos I was bloated and yet still felt constantly hungry and was always thinking about food.
I go to the gym about 5 times a week and so use this as a way to think 'well I need to eat more than people around me who don't exercise' and that helps me not to purge when I feel guilty about eating.
For the first 3 months I stayed the same weight as before (which was a healthy BMI) but now in the last couple of weeks I have lost 3kgs and my appetite has fallen greatly. Now I feel full after a small meal and if I don't eat for a few hours I don't think about food untill the actual meal time. I think this is good as I think it shows my body getting back to normal and my metabolism starting to trust that I'm going to keep feeding myself.
The only thing is I had said to myself that I wasn't stopping bulimia to lose weight I was stopping because I just couldn't carry on with Bulimia and it was ruining my life and I just want to be healthy. But now that I find I have lost weight I have started giving myself targets of weights I want to be. I was annorexic before I was bulimic and I was about this weight when that started. My new goal weight now is the same as my first goal weight when I first went on the diet that led to annorexia 7 years ago.
Since I realised I lost the weight (I don't weigh myself often) I feel guilty eating anything and have a strong desire to purge today after normal food cos I want to loose more weight. I am scared the whole thing is going to start again.
Has anyone else had this?
I'm glad to hear that your hunger cues are getting back to normal... But sorry to hear that you are having thoughts of weight loss again...
What is sounds like is that your body is healing from bulimia - and the addiction to food is starting to leave you... But you still have a psychological desire to lose weight...
You need to try and remind yourself every single day why you are working on recovery... Write out some 5 year cards (your future in 5 years time based on 2 different scenarios...) scenario 1) Where you will be if you keep basing your self worth on weight and scenario 2) Where you will be if you chuck out your scales and live life based on your deeper values...
Stick this on your cupboard so you see it every morning!
Always remind yourself that there is so much more to you than your body... And if you put all that energy into controlling your body - you are taking away energy that could be spend on beautiful and happy things!
Most of all, never give up! Keep putting one foot in front of the other! Some days recovery might seem like hard work... but you will be rewarded for your work by a life that is free from ED's!
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