Getting my life back.
I had been bulimic for three years, and today is only the second day of my bulimia recovery journey and I am already ready to give up.
It had started my sophmore year of highschool after thanksgiving dinner. I had been restricting my calories down to almost X a day and that evenning i just could not do it anymore, i gave in and ate EVERYTHINHG possible in site. I had a stomach popping out to the point of looking nine months pregnant, and i felt disgusted and ashamed of what i just did. I went into my aunts bathroom while the rest of my family was still out enojying themselves and stuck my fingers down my throat. It was such a rush, and felt amazing to have an empty stomach after consuming sooo many calories. From that day on, i knew i no longer needed to watch my calories, i could eat WHATEVER i wanted and not ever have to worry about gaining weight. Looking back today, i realize what a horrible mistake that actually was.
About a week ago, i had a long day of binging and purging, probably close to five times. I had went to my friends house and something that i never experienced before had happened. We were all standing there talking and all of a sudden i felt sick, i started to sweat, i couldn't see very well, my hearing was going in and out, and my legs felt like they were about to give out. i remember looking for somewhere to sit, but there was no seats around so i was going to try to push through it, that wasnt the first time i felt light-headed, but it was the first time i felt almost like i was well..dieing...
The next thing i remember is waking up on the floor, to my friends mother holding me looking worried. she was speaking but i still couldnt hear anything yet. within a few seconds though my hearing started to come back and she was asking if i was okay and trying to hold my shaking hands still. I was confused i hadn't realized what had just happened and i was still extremely warm. She looked at me and said shelby are you okay, i think you just had a seizure. I knew from that point, i was in trouble. She quickly grabbed my phone and called my parents. After my parents got there looking worried and confused, my friends parents asked them if i had eaten today, and my mom told them of course she eats like a cow, all ive seen her do today is eat. GREAT..i thought to myself, how can i cover this up.
It was the next day at the doctors that the real problem happened. I had just been to the doctors two months earlier to get my shots for college, where they had taken my weight. so when i stepped on the scale that morning and weighed in 6 ponds lighter then i was two months ago, my dad almost blew his top off. He said to my doctor "I dont understand how she could possible eat the amount of food she does, not exercise, or do ANYTHING, and lose 6 pounds in two months." The doctor stood there questioning me, asking if i threw up my food, and with a straight face i continued to tell him no i was fine and i didn't understand how i lost the weight and that i wasn't even trying to lose the weight. They made me do an EKG test which came back perfect, and while i was getting my est done i knew my father was out in the hall talking to the doctor.
The next few days i could feel my parents watching me, questioning me when i showered three times a day and why did i bring music into the shower. i tried to lie, tried to come up with the best excuses possible, but it just wasn't working. My sister, who is also my best friend, had called me up and asking me if i had a problem and told me to be honest.. it was the hardest moment in my life lieing to her, telling her i was fine and that mom and dad were being crazy..she told me she believed me and to just be careful because they planned to take the bathroom door down or stand outside the bathroom the next time i showered..
It was when i was at my other best friends house that night, that i realized i could no longer do this, lieing to my sister had eaten me up inside and i was filled with guilt and my emotions just began to go crazy. i was sad, and upset, and filled with fear, and axiety. This was my DEEPEST darkest secret i had ever had and i had never shared it with anyone. so that night i broke down to my bestfriend and told her everything going on and that i just didn't know what to do anymore. she told me i needed to tell my parents.. but i knew i couldn't. so i texted my sister, it must have been 5 pages long saying im sorry and telling her everything going on and for how long. she was very kind about it, she asked if i wanted her to tell our parents and i said yes. I stayed out that night though, i wasn't ready to go home and face my parents. i felt shame, and embarrassment, like i had failed them as a daughter.
But when i got home that next morning, it was just my mother waiting for me, sitting at the table drinking coffee, very calm, and approachable. She let me cry for awhile, and then just held me and cried as well. A moment i will probably never be able to forget. We talked for awhile and she told me that they had scheduled a doctors appointment the next morning for me, and that everything would be okay in the end.
Here i am two days into recovery and it SUCKS. I have bloating, i feel like my stomach is protruding out of me, and i would love to just go bend over my toilet and throw up my feeling right now. But im not going to. i promised my family, and my boy (on and off boyfriend..off right now) that i would not do it anymore. i would get better. i leave for college in two weeks, and if i cant handle it their going to make me come home, which i will not let happen. I need to over come this, no matter how miserable i am right now. Im moody all the time, i just want to eat, and i just want to eat the things i like! my doctor has me strictly on a soft food diet for a few weeks, to get my body adjusted to eating again, and get my digestive system back on track. I plan to keep going though, this is the first time i have ever tried to recovery and i want it to be the last.
I have a wonderful support sysmtem right now. consisting of my parents, sister, and friends, and i plan to get through this.