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Getting Caught But Hiding It

by Mara

I'm fourteen years old and I've been making myself throw up after eating for about a year and I've lost a considerable amount of weight. I thought no one would notice, I thought I did it so only I knew about it. I've been throwing up in the toilet and I feel like I have to do it quickly so I always go to the bathroom after eating. My parents have commented on it, usually like "oh I thought you'd got lost in there!" or "you took your time!" but they never really took it seriously as I just brushed it off as a tummy ache or something.
I actually find it easier to throw up after eating if I'm in public because public bathrooms usually have music playing or people chatting and at home I have to leave the water running for ages to mask the vomit noises.
Sometimes I throw up in the shower so I don't look so obvious, but when I throw up chunky foods (disgusting, I know) it can't exactly fit down the plug hole too well so I find it easier to throw up in the toilet. Also, using a box or a large jar is good but I often don't have anywhere to put it and my room ends up smelling like vomit!
Anyway, earlier today I'd just eaten loads of unhealthy stuff and I really needed to get rid of it. So, I did what I usually did. I went upstairs, turned on the tap and proceeded to vomit in the toilet. I thought I heard someone coming up the stairs (whilst I'd locked myself in the bathroom) so I stopped vomiting, I turned off the tap so I could hear properly. There didn't seem to be anyone there and I knew my neighbours were outside so I just brushed it off as the noise being down to them. I finished throwing up, I brushed my teeth and cleaned the toilet. I walked out of the bathroom and into my room, I was fine until I heard my mum call me.
"Mara, please can you come here I want to talk to you."
I froze. My heart was bating rapidly and I genuinely don't think I've ever been so nervous. I knew it was all over, my secret was out and everyone would know how much of a freak I was. I tried to play it cool,
"What do you want?" I tried to sound as normal as possible although I must have stuttered. I still had hope in me that it would be about something totally different, and I didn't need to worry. Unfortunately, I did.
"Are you making yourself sick after you eat?" It was over, it was all over. My mum was still in her room at this time so I decided to go in there (why???) and I looked at her, she was close to tears. Well, I suppose she would be. Her precious daughter making herself throw up, harming herself on purpose.
"Am I what? I would never do that! That's disgusting!" I was really panicking now.
"It's just, you've been taking a while in the bathroom lately and I know that some teenagers do it, have you been doing it? Mara, this is serious."
I really was about to break down, I was about to come out with it all, I was about to cry and admit how much of a horrible person I was. I know I need help, I need it so much but I'm terrified of it. It's so embarrassing, my worst fear has always been getting caught and it felt so surreal to actually have it happen.
So, there I was. All ready to come out with the truth. But, I wasn't thin enough. Telling someone would mean I had to stop, and I can't do that. So I lied my way out of it, promising that I'd never do anything like that, I didn't have a reason to. Saying I just had tummy ache. I think she believed me, because she looked so relieved.
So, right now I haven't eaten all day and I know that I'm probably not going to be able to eat again until she goes out. I can't go to the toilet to throw up anymore, not for a while anyway. I'll have to throw up in the shower, or maybe jars? I'm so scared, I need help but I really don't want it. I know how much I'll regret this but as others suffering with bulimia will know, it feels like it's impossible to stop.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program