From Starving to Bingeing...and Now In Between
Ever since I was around ten or so, I've had issues with food. I drastically reduced my food intake for about a month before I was diagnosed with GERD (basically acid reflux). I was so nauseous that I just couldn't eat enough. So I lost ten pounds (I wasn't fat in the first place and I was short and young so that made a difference). I got on meds and most likely gained the weight back pretty quickly. Skip ahead a couple years. Seventh to eighth grade, my nickname was fatty. I wasn't fat by any stretch (I was a winner in long distance track and cross country) but of course the mental seed was planted and it just sat there, brooding. So in eighth grade, I went back and forth between eating normally and not enough-it wasn't drastic. It sort of evened out into a steady diet of about X calories a day. I didn't know, but I calculated it at one point as I generally ate the same thing every day. I wasn't really aware of this problem, but at the same time I wouldn't eat more. This continued through freshman year. Then, at the beginning of sophomore year, I started using myfitnesspal. I realized I was undereating and my sister convinced me to aim for X calories a day. I was most always under, but not by too much. I was eating enough to actually have a metabolism, how exciting! Eventually I got on instagram and discovered the pro-ana movement. I starved myself on and off for months and at some point tried to rip myself away from the movement. It worked for the most part, but to this day anorexia and starvation are always in the back of my mind. Now I have myself a pattern. I eat healthy and very sensibly all week, but I go INSANE on the weekends. If there was a a party, binge. If there was a birthday, binge. Basically anything out of the norm would drive me insane. I'm actually typing this up right now after an all day Easter binge. I thought it might help to write about it. Right now I'm contemplating whether or not to stop eating for a couple days. I know it's a bad idea, but starvation is always a thought on my mind.
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