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from fat to bulimic to fat

by Jen
(Nebraska USA)

I need help. Starting about 12 I became fat. I remember not being unhappy just fat. All through high school I was overweight and fine with it, had friends but never boyfriends.

I graduated high school right at 240 pounds. When I went off to college I met a guy. I adored him from the moment I met. We were so alike and quickly became best friends. I wanted him to be my boyfriend so much. We moved in together (still just friends) during the first couple months I would constantly hear him talking about hot girls...

That's when it hit me. I was fat disgusting and no one would want me this way. I felt like I was perfect for him we were best friends but my weight was why he wouldn't be with me. So after eating pizza hut one day and feeling worthless I went in the bathroom and puked. It was an amazing feeling when I was done. I felt good. So from then on I was throwing up. I threw up everything I ate. I would not eat for about two days and then eat and eat and puke and puke.

The boy never became a boyfriend, but we did start hooking up. He moved out 2 years later and I rarely spoke to him after he got a girlfriend. I was very heart broken, never got over not being good enough. I am 5'6 and got down to X pounds which sounds heavy but starting at X loosing that much in less than 2 years was drastic. Everyone noticed and complimented me! No one ever guessed bulimia because hey I was still a little big!

In the next year I met the man I am married to now. It was strange when we moved in together I stopped throwing up. I just stopped. I refuse to ever let him know and he doesn't. However that was 5 year ago. Now I sit here recovered from bulimia but X pounds. I am always hungry always. I still binge eat but don't purge. I buy food and hide it. I take out credit cards without my husband knowing so I can buy fast food without him knowing multiple times a day. I am always tempted to go back to bulimia. I was happy thinner I could walk and wear clothes, but I won't because I have a child now. I just need help. I still live with the not good enough worthless feeling everyday because I am fat.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program