From diet to self harm.
I grew up alongside my two brothers is a house where money was scarce. My mother would get her weekly D S S cheque and do the shopping. There was always a scramble for something to eat as we'd been hungry for the past 3 days. I guess that's the start of my lack of control over eating. Stability arrived when I moved out of home at 16. I shared with 2 friends and we budgeted to eat 3 normal meals a day. At last, normality.
I was at college and fell in love with a guy, we want out for 9 months... It was great. I started to compare myself to other gold. I'm athletic curvy with breasts and a bum, an enviable figure I'm told. I never felt right though, never liked the looks I got; the learning men from the age of 14, it grossed me out. I was a bookworm. I also loved clothes and hate the way my body gets in the wAy of this form of expression. So back to he story... I split up with my boyfriend, I was smoking weed and got paranoid over the the way I looked, thinking of the way or what he looked at. I started to be more in control of my eating and exercise. A Pilates sequence a night, 4 -5 miles swimming a week. Then a day without food, then 3 days without. I finally felt good. It was when I started taking laxatives that my body gave in and I craved food so much I spiralled way put of control. I made myself sick before, but this was now different. I would go on horrific binges, everything I hated- pizza, chips, chicken. It was like self harm, the worst was that I'm not good at throwing up. My face just swells and I gain weight. I had moved away to study fashion design at college, but couldn't control the bulimia. I spent most of my money on binges. My mum knew as she suffered too (this led to her heroin addiction). She felt so bad and blamed herself, she was determined to help me, but addictions are something you have to face yourself as I knew trying to get her off heroin for so long. She died the next year. I dropped out of college and returned to live with my aunt. My aunt had rob lens and is a very bitter woman. We spoke about my problems but I was seen a selfish and vain. It wasn't real, just failed dieting to her.
I find it hard to tell friends because when I'm not in a spiral of binging, I lose weight. Then the comments start " I know you.... You're too thin... Not this path again". This stresses me out so much (and the unwanted attention) that I start the harm again. How can you share a problem when those you trust won't listen? I'm yet to try a group as I'm nervous. I'm in a mix of half week good, half week bad. I like the idea of a diary, but am petrified of someone finding it.
Just reading your site is a start. This has been going on for 15 years and this is the most I've ever told. I feel quite vain doing so, but I guess I need to get over that.
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