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From anorexia, to bulimia, to binge eating. When will it ever end!?

by Natasha

Hi my name's Natasha, well everyone calls me tasha, I'm twenty but I don't feel it...

I was diagnosed with anorexia at the age of six, of course I didn't understand what it meant, it was just my life. I used to eat, it was just little bits here and there, my mum thought it was just down to me being a fussy eater before I was diagnosed. This continued until the age of twelve, then I was sectioned and I started gaining weight in recovery. After that, it's all a bit of a blur, I remember bits and pieces but not a whole lot, until I developed bulimia that is. I remember the first time I had binged.

I had got back from church with my family, and someone had commented on my weight loss (I hadn't eaten in two weeks in a desperate attempt to lose weight). This comment came from a boy I liked at the time and we had never had a conversation before, so knowing he was concerned felt good, I was proud but scared.

When I got home, I ran straight to the cookie jar, shoveling cookies in my mouth. I didn't make myself sick that night, that started a few days later. I binged again a few days later, and my tummy was so full, I felt sick to my stomach and suddenly I found myself sticking my fingers down my throat, it worked!

I continued starving, binging and purging for a whole year before I met my ex boyfriend. He was my rock, in the beginning. I went into recovery, he was supportive. Within the first month of my recovery I had lost weight, my doctor seemed shocked as I was a healthy weight when I had started recovery. I started starving again as I was binging and purging again too and starving helped me deal with the relapses.

Things with my ex boyfriend started to go downhill and he started putting me down. It has taken me until now (seven months after breaking up with him) for me to realise that he didn't have my best interests at heart, he made me feel weak and pathetic through his actions and words.

I relapsed more and more into my eating disorder. I would starve for days on end, then binge and purge on anything I could get my hands on, then the cycle would start again. I started overdosing as a way to cope, in my mind I believed if I took enough pills to knock myself out for a few hours, there would be no way I could binge and that was the most important thing right? Wrong. The last time I overdosed, my mum and step dad caught me. I hit my younger sister, kicked my step dad and shouted at my mum, this wasn't me and they knew it. They found my pills, put two and two together and called the ambulance. I was rushed in and I had my stomach pumped.

My ex boyfriend wasn't helpful, but I still stayed with him because he was right, I couldn't get anyone else could I?

We were together for almost two years, when I decided to break up with him last august. I had just miscarried his baby and he wasn't supportive. I know boys try and act like they're tough but I needed him to cry, it would've shown me that he cared I guess? But he didn't cry, he acted like normal and told me not to tell anyone we both knew, that was the last straw. I couldn't do it anymore. I started packing my things (he lived an hour away from me, so I only went to his house on the weekends), I was in floods of tears, secretly hoping he'd say stay, I love you, I want to make this work, but instead he just helped me put all my things in my suitcase.

In the car, he started crying. I had never seen him cry, not for me. He asked me to stay but I said no, and I have never been back since.

Since breaking up with mark, I have dabbled in diets and recovery.

When we broke up, I attempted self recovery, I ended up binging and purging most days. I started dieting, to erase the binges. I lost weight then gained it back again, as the binges were becoming more regular.

I started trying to recover again in march this year, and only in this last month have my binges become smaller. I'm still binging everyday, purging somedays, but my binges aren't as massive as they used to be. I binge once a day, for example this morning, I have binged on 3/4 of mini fruit loaf and four homemade biscuits. I also ate a pink lady apple prior to the binge. This time last year, if I had binged, it would've consisted of alot more food.

I'm trying so hard to recover and stop the binges, but I know it will take alot of time and determination. I exercise 5-7 days a week, 30 minutes a day. I am not underweight, and I know I could lose a few pounds and I still want to but I know I need to put recovery first.

I don't really have any safe foods, but please could someone help me come up with a suitable meal plan?

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