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From 17 to 55, now 4 years

by Jody
(New York)

Bulimic from age 17 to 55. A couple attempts at recovery starting in 1991, when I finally broke down and sought help. I think it was the panic Attacks that pushed me to seek help. However, attempts to end this behavior never lasted despite the help. I held on to bulimia for another 21years. Truly I believed I was doomed for the rest of mt life. In patient, out patient, 12 steps, none of these aids could stop me. I was so ashamed that I wouldn't, couldn't let go of this disease. Bulimic through both pregnancies, something that makes me tremble and cry to this day. Effects on the children?. Sure there are some I think. It's never been discussed however. I am just so sorry for what I have put my family through, including my deceased parents. So, what happened that I now have 4 years plus of surviving without my former god. It all comes down to one moment, on my knees for the hundredth time, begging God to remove this obsession. Remember now I had been doing this several times per day, hours at a time, over 50,000 vomits, teeth to prove it, and a very realistic certainty that I would never get out of this mess. Spring of 2008, on my knees begging again as I said, crying, pleading with God for help. Now this sounds too simple, but remember I had 37 years of this disease, 21 years of living with it as a failing recoverer, that next day I did not practice bulimia. Nothing too exciting here, but it had been awhile since I had taken a day off. Well day 2 comes and goes, then 3, then 4, then I start to get hopeful. I wasn't in treatment, nor doing outpatient or in 12 steps. It just was happening. I believe with all my heart this was divine intervention. Weeks, then a month, then, then I wonder when it will come crashing down.? It really never has, it's been 4years plus and I have had only a few episodes of binging and purging. Not lengthy ones either. Probably less than 10 times , and the unsurpassable need and powerful urge no longer lives. For anyone that thinks you are doomed, that just isn't so. Your time will come and you may not even recognize it when it does, until time keeps passing without using your good old buddy to cope, comfort, entertain and fill yourself.

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