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Fourteen & Dying - My Eating Disorder.

by Emily
(Maine, USA.)

I'm Emily. I'll be fifteen in a matter of months. Currently suffering high school as we speak. I have a lot of friends, but none of them know my secret.
My eating disorder began when I was ten. At the age of seven, my father died of cancer, leaving behind me and four other children. After he died, my sister began coming home strung out on cocaine and drunk, bringing along friends to abuse me. My mother became harsh, distant, always angry. I hated my body from the start. At ten, I was over eating to cope with how I felt. Soon, it triggered an inner hatred so overwhelming that this happened.

At eleven years old, I began going days without eating. I had a pattern; three days without eating, one day eating, three more days. This is when I began cutting and smoking. After going from X pounds to X pounds in two months, one of my teachers suspected me and made me eat in the classroom. That's when I started throwing up.
I would finish eating and excuse myself to my locker to get my things for my next class, stopping by the bathroom before anyone got back from lunch to toss up my meal. Between the ages of eleven and thirteen, I bounced between starvation and purging.
I drink, I smoke marijuana and cigarettes, and I pop pills. I'm lost in my own hell, and no one knows. I need help, but I don't know how to ask..
After two physically and sexually abusive relationships, the death of two friends, and the pressure I put on myself in school, I finally gave in. October of 2011, I tried to kill myself. This then lead to hospitalization in a mental ward for a little over three months, and then a month in an eating disorder clinic. I would puke in the hospital's shower, sink, out the windows.. Anywhere. I even figured out how to jam the bathroom locks to avoid digesting anything.
However, I lied my way out, and went right back to my old ways. As I write this, I'm only seven months from being fifteen, and I'm starving. My heartbeat is slow and feels odd, my vision is blurred, I can't focus, and my hands are shaking on the keyboard. I don't know what to do anymore. I hope you understand.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program