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For when I recover

by Victoria

Dear mom,

I am writing you this because I don't want to tell you in person, pathetic right?
You always wonder if I'm bulimic or starving myself, which they are both have the same effect
on your body. Yes, I am. I am Bulimic... or lets say I was bulimic, okay? I would throw up after
I ate anything, it got to the point where I would ask myself "Am I a bad person for doing this?"
"Am I really that weak; that I can't simply hold one meal down?". And I was, I was weak and stupid.
I was sick of Eileen always saying that I was going to stretch out her clothes. I was sick of grand-mother telling me to wear this or that cause it didnt make me look fat. I was sick of me thinking and telling myself I was just too fat to do certain things. Me and you had a converstation in Washington DC, you told me to promise you I would never force myself to have an eating disorder but it was too late. Your words went in one ear and right out the other, because I had already planned to starve myself. I couldnt give up food, so instead I became Bulimic. You told me about bulimia and I saw it as an escape. So thats when it started, summer of 2012.
Somthing else you should know is I've been overdosing on laxatives, yes mother thats where
all those expensive pills went. It wasnt a bad addiction at first. It started out two to three pills a day. Then went to 5, then to a ful 8-10 pills a day. I never went a pill past 11 though. The reason I did it was my bowel system wasnt good to begin and I thought this would help this but guess what, it fucked me. It was hard to take a shit without the help of a laxative but it usally take a day before I was able to do it on my own again. We ran out of the bottle pill kind of laxative so you had that um really strong laxative brand one. And I dont know how I was shitting before I found the strong pill one, but I started using the new brand. I didnt know how strong and effect it was at the time, but in a matter of a week after taking maybe 12 in the course of one week I had started becoming blurry eyed,
weak, dizzy, and not able to take a shit on my own with out laxative. After abusing all these
different laxatives for over 6-7 months it had taken a toll on my body. I had bought some laxatives at walgreens one day, I read all the drugs facts on the back of the bottle. Dizzyness, tiredness,becoming weak, and not able to use the bathroom. I was scared and terrified, I went online and look up a ton of information about laxative and the effect it has on your body. I am slowly trying to cut myself off this addiction and so far I'm doing good. I'm working out everyday, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, I'm getting electrolites inside my body more, and I'm eating a lot of fiber and protein.
The reaon I'm writting you this letter is because I'm scared. I hope you can forgive me mom
for these mistake that I made. I dont know why I did it. I think I always been a little messed up
and it's because of something you didnt know happen; I didnt even know until you sent me to therapy when I was 9. I think you knew I was bulimic for about maybe 2 months now. It is currently June 27.
I'm planning on giving you this letter when everthing is okay, when I'm sure my colon still works, once I'm done having these little slips up where I puke again even though I'm trying my hardest to stop. Mom I thought you would be the most understanding so that why I'm giving you all this information. Raul knows about all this, I needed someone and he is the one I could turn to because he went through this as well, so know I didnt do this on my own. You can punish me for lieing straight to your face repeatly about this, but just please comfort me and tell me how you went throught the same thing, and how everything is going to be okay.


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program