Food, Anxiety and Anger
I never considered myself to be sick just because I love food. I'm always saying, "Eat, drink, laugh, love and be merry!" But every once in a while, when I'm alone and left to think about my habits and my body, I realize that there is something dark and unsatisfied lying within me. An ache so deep in my soul that I try and fill it with food.
I have been a binge eater all of my life. It was considered normal in our household to eat as much junk food as you like. I believe my bingeing started when I was young because food was always used as a reward. Moreover, I was never taught to control my hunger. My parents believed in giving a child independence, which has made me a strong and driven person professionally. However, in terms of eating, it has made me an uncontrollable binge eater. I was never taught self-control.
I binge mostly in the evenings when I sit down and watch TV. During 1-2 hours I can consume a huge amount of chips, cookies, ice cream, burritos, fruit, pizza, breads and more. All in a savage haze as I stare at the screen. The mere idea of watching TV without stuffing myself seems ludicrous. What else are you supposed to do as you sit and watch? Twiddle your thumbs? Pick at your nails? Maybe another point would be how TV can't be all that entertaining if you need a secondary activity at all times.
Anyways, the fact is that I want to stop. I have realized my issues and understand that that they lie in my biology as well as my own self-control. Now I just need to apply this knowledge to my own actions, which is much easier said than done.
And here lies the rub: I want to stop bingeing to feel better and look better. Heck let's be honest and say I mostly want to just look better, which is an issue in itself no? We should all strive for health and not esthetics. However, in the end I cant help feeling that by trying to control my bingeing I am also trying to lose weight, which seems too much like a diet and can send me into a tailspin of bingeing. So how do I approach a solution to my beingeing...if it is so closely related to the cause? I'm not sure of the answer. All I know is that today marks a change in my awareness and this should lead me on a better path...I hope!
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