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First binge/purge in over four months

by zoe

So I'm pretty distraught as much as I'm trying not to be. For over four months, I've been binge/purge free, and the first part of that journey was beautiful - I felt amazing and I even felt like I looked great too.
I guess what I never let myself acknowledge was the fact that up until recently I have definitely not been eating enough, X calories per day at the most. I felt great losing weight and not losing control by bingeing and purging, but this week was different because I started eating more again and I freaked out. It felt like I was bingeing, I cried after a bowl of cereal and cut myself (I'd done this before too). The same thing happened today - I thought it would be different but I ate more. And then more and I got so upset that it turned into a fully fledged binge

3 bowls of cereal with milk
A piece of toast with margarine and jam
2 chocolate digestive biscuits
2 crunchie chocolate bars

and all this was after dinner too. I hadn't done this in ages, I cut even deeper, but for some reason I cannot fathom it's like I was forcing myself to do it - like I needed to remind myself what it was like? I don't know.

I'd even been discharged from the outpatient programme I was part of, having convinced them and myself that I was recovered. I guess right now I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm terrified, I don't want to go back to how things were. I'd made so much progress and I was so proud of myself, I don't quite know where things go from here.

Shaye Says

Hi Zoe!

You have done amazingly well to get to 4 months... and this slip up can not take that progress away from you! Learn from it, beautiful girl - and nothing is lost! You have already learnt something from this slip - you noticed you were not eating enough... This is a sure way to trigger binge urges and uncontrollable eating... Please work on allowing yoruself to eat at least 2000 calories a day. Your metabolism will speed up and your body will thank you for this food by reducing your binge urges.

Recovery is a journey Zoe... and you will get there... one step at a time :)

xx Shaye

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program