felt understood for the first time...
Me and Isabella
I am Brenda and by reading Shaye's articles I felt understood for the first time in my life. I never talk about my bulimia because people close to me have never really understood the complexity of my disease and how it affects every area of my life and it doesn't let me have any freedom. I started purging when I was 15 and it all started with an emotional relationship with food. For me food has always been there when other things have lacked in my life. When I was a teenager and I felt lonely or sad or bored, food was always there to comfort me, the way I saw it I thought I could at least have that if nothing else. Food was my substitute for love, friendship or a fulfilling life. I was an overweight kid and teenager and then my deadly battle with weight started and dieting triggered my bulimia( or so I think). I started a diet and I lost a lot of weight, I felt better and more confident and I had more friends so I grew terrified of going back to being "fat" and living my life in the sole companionship of food.... I think my bulimia is so crazy that I had a feeling of accomplishment after each binge episode, I felt that by throwing up my food I was doing something to prevent going back to be overweight and sad, as if I was fighting it, but it made me feel sick, so sick in my body and mind, and nowI feel like I'm trapped . I think about calories and food all the time, every day is a struggle, will today be the day I quit?? I have done things that are so crazy... I have threw up in bags and kept them I'm my closet hidden from my mother, I stepped out dinners, and dates, and parties to throw up in an outside can so nobody notices, I go up three floors at my job to prevent co workers to see me purge and start talking about me, I have grew so paranoid of people finding out about it and criticizing me. Nobody understands why I spend so much money on food, why on my evenings I am so busy to do anything other than eat and purge and take showers and cry. I don't have any freedom. I feel my heart pounding and my throat burning and my stomach just malfunctioning I don't know how to explain it, but it is soo painful. I feel like a failed role model for my daughter, guilty, sick and sad. I think people that have struggled with bulimia have such resilience. I think it has made me look at pain in a complete different matter, when the doctor explain to me about surgery he talked about pain, I felt no pain. I have been in pain every day for 14 years. Bulimia is torture, body, spirit and mind.
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