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Feelings of Guilt in bulimia

by Elle
(Melbourne )

I am a backpacker from Canada and have been bulimic for about 6 years on and off (started having insecurities from age 7). I am a very healthy person in all aspects of life except for this.

I work out everyday, i eat all healthy foods (only because i dont allow myself to eat "bad" foods) but if i go to long not eating any sweets i crumble.

It started getting really worse about 3 months before moving to Australia when my brother and sister and law moved into my house back home..i do not allow any bad foods in the house because i know i will eat them. but when they moved in they were always buying junk food. I would sneak it and binge eat and eat and eat and then throw it all up in the shower.

Now since iv moved to Australia its kinda the same problem just different situation. im living in a share house with 12 other people.. who have no idea that they are living with a bulimic but their food always goes missing... chocolate.. cookies.. yogurt and granola, chips crackers. i feel so terrible because if someone was stealing my food i would be so mad but i cant help myself.

I only really do it on my days off work when every one is at work and i can spend hours in the bathroom bringing it all back up. But if i happen to do it at home they always say how long i take in the shower. I get so anxious when they are all home and i want to binge because i cant stuff my face when they are all here.

One night i closed work and every Tuesday they get rid of these HUGE cheesecakes for the fresh ones to come in the next day they offer who whoever wants a piece to take it home or else its going in the trash..i took two huge pieces and thought about them the whole way home.. i was going to leave them for my roommates to enjoy the next day but instead i ate and ate till the point ware i was sweating and really did feel sick.

Even when im doing this i know its so wrong but like you said i know im going to bring it all back up so why not just keep eating more. But it is such a waste of time and energy. sore throat and dizziness. But i really am afraid that if i let myself eat what ever i want so i dont have these urges to binge ill gain weight. i have no self control its all or nothing.

i feel like i should tell someone close to me that i have been suffering since about 13. i am now 21. I just dont know how and now seeing as i am so far away from my family and friends i dont want to worry them, but i really DO want to stop and live normally and not be so consumed about how i look or what i eat.

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