Feeling the affects but still cannot stop
I have written several times regarding my depths of bulimia, which is approaching 14 years. Even after stints of inpatient, outpatient, therapy, medications and such, I continue to binge/purge up to 30 times a day. I spent hours at this routine. For years my health remained the same. i never worried about all the side affects I read about. However, within the last year, I've lost 2 teeth, my teeth continue to chip/crack and the enamel is wearing away rapidly. The total cost to fix the damage will be thousands. Yet, I continue the cycle. I don't want to. every day I say I will try, but the anxiety is overwhelming. Where will I get the money to buy more food? Who can I manipulate to get it? All of my money is spent towards it and then I have nothing for medications, transportation, and just the basic essentials. I don't go to support groups or reach out to anyone, when I know I should. I've isolated myself for so long that I'm afraid to tell the truth, which I feel is horrific. I feel that my bulimia is worse than any stories I've read about. Who spends up to 8 hours a day and up to 30 times b/p? Not to mention I smoke, don't exercise. I am terrified more about fixing my teeth than fixing the problem. Why can't I stop? Why is this so hard? Small steps meaning nothing now. I want it to stop immediately, like when I quit drinking. But the minute I put food in my mouth, I binge. I hate the bloating and fear of getting fat just in that one millisecond. I cannot afford any treatment, when I know I need something. Help....
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