Feeling lost in bulimia...
I just wanted to say that I think you're a massive inspiration to all of us out there suffering from bulimia, and living proof that we can beat this disorder. It's so touching to reach all your advice, and to see how much you care and want to help, I read your website regularly and it really does motivate me to get better.
Right now though, I feel so alone and like i'm never going to beat this thing. I have suffered from bulimia/anorexia on and off for around 12 years now, I'm now 26. I see an amazing counsellor who has tried so hard to help me, and I have a caring boyfriend and family who love me. I've tried so hard the past year to stop being sick, but I can never see it through for longer than a month. I get so impatient that the bloating doesn't go down, and so obsessive that in the end I give up and start purging everyday, undoing all the hard work i've put in and ultimately feeling even worse about myself.
At the moment i'm unemployed, I left my job as a receptionist because I hated it, and felt confident at the time that I deserved better and would find the 'career' I really wanted. Since i've been at home, the binging-purging is just spiralling out of control.
I feel that if I don't reach my ideal weight I can't go for an interview, and I get so anxious that the interviewer will look at me and think i'm not attractive enough for the job. I know it sounds insane, and that the interviewer will not even be interested in looks but on whether I'm right for the job title, but my whole self-esteem centres around my weight and I'm so fed up with it. The whole cycle is destructive, because I feel so weak and tired all the time from being sick that I just want to sleep, I know i'm letting my life pass me by but it's like I don't have the energy to bother trying. That realisation makes me hate myself even more.
I guess I just wanted to say what's on my mind, because I feel noone else really understands how I'm feeling right now, and i'm hoping for some comfort from people who have been through it and have recovered.
Thank you for your kind words about my site and the work I do! It is always motivating to hear that I motivate others to recover... :)
I know how frustrating it can be waiting for the bloating to go down and waiting for recovery to begin feeling like it's 'working' or making a difference to you life... The truth is Lisa - you are so close to seeing it... The first 2 months of recovery are (from my experience) by far the hardest! After this, things start to improve... The bloating goes down, the binge urges aren't as intense and you begin to feel the benefits of the new healthy life you're living.
You are SO close! Keep pushing forward through the tough times and you will begin to see your progress! Remind yourself of this next time your there!
It is so easy to slip into the trap of basing your self worth on your weight. I was no different. I could be feeling good one second, then weigh myself and BANG, I was a worthless piece of you know what. The truth is we are far more critical of our own bodies than anybody else is. Work on expecting people to love you in interviews! People will react to you the way you want - and expect - them to!
Learning how to stop basing your self worth on weight is such a massive step in bulimia recovery that I've dedicated a whole section of The Bulimia Recovery Guide to it. The guide is part of The Bulimia Recovery Program which you can read more about here.
I wish that I could reach out and give you a great big hug! You deserve to feel so much love and kindness towards yourself... I hope and pray that you'll achieve this. I promise you it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other... Baby steps will get you there!
Keep in touch!
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