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Fed up


I've had bulimia now for 5 years (starting at 13). No idea what triggered it and no idea what caused it to stick with me so strongly. I've considered various theories as to why this is such a major part of my life (alcoholic & violent father during childhood, father's death when I was 10, or even just that I was entering puberty maybe?!) but I honestly can't understand it.
Daily routine is so draining. All money goes on food or alcohol. The boyfriend is getting so upset with me about my recent (pretty drastic) loss of weight and this just makes me feel worse about my complete lack of control over this when he is being so patient and kind.
My teeth are disgusting and the dentist says I'll be in for tens of thousands of pounds worth of dental care in my 20s. (Good God!!)
Cheeks are swollen and face shows obvious burst blood vessels.
My family make snide little remarks about my ED and I'm still too terrified to admit it to them despite the fact that they so blatantly know about it.
My friends all go out for meals to which I really can't attend without ultimate panic. All social events pivot around food. I can just about deal with it until that switch clicks and I have to eat more and more and more and then leave the social situation and find a bathroom.
I'm so jealous of my friends, even those I would consider larger than average.
Even if I do fight the fear and eat something, the acid reflux makes the following few hours very painful and so I can't enjoy myself anyway.
Going on a gap year next year and need to have more control by then. Uni after that too so hopefully now is the opportune time for a BIG change in my life.
I would absolutely love for someone to be there to organise healthy (but low fat) meals for me everyday and to 'force' me to eat them and 'supervise' me after. I get that this is a tad impossible (!) so instead I came here to find some healthy recipes so that hopefully, touch wood, please please god, I can destroy this vice-like grip that bulimia has over every aspect of my life and so that I can be normal!!!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program