Fear of Failure
I have read the stories on here and can relate to some of them. Its strange. I have been thinking and my problem is fear of failure. Fear of letting other people down and portraying a strong image that I am the one people can come to for help. I am a teacher. big sister, the first to be getting married and much prefer being the one who offers help. That way its not about me. I am finding it hard choosing wedding dresses and the focus being on me. I find it really hard to talk about myself and any feelings of being weak. I have been bulimic for about 12 years. I don't want to be bulimic. I am so embarrassed. I does feel like a grey misty veil that comes over you when it triggers. if i feel full after having normal food that isnt low fat i feel guilty, if I put on weight people will notice and then i look like I am not strong. Its not all the time but after a meal I have the fight with my mind, should I have a little bit more, but then i will have to be sick. I cant bear to open up to anyone about this because I will be seen as weak! I cant bear to be alone with my thoughts and distract myself by binging or even sometimes alcohol. I cant deal with emotions well either I think it comes from when my dad passed away when i was young and I felt it was my job to be strong - I didnt want to get upset and upset my mum as she was staying strong for us. I disgust myself sometimes. I would be such a disappointment. Every day I say to myself this is the day I will win. I wont binge. I used to cut myself too but I havent done this all year and I feel amazing about that but it has been a battle. it feels so lonely and I feel mental. I want to be a better person.
Well done to you you must be so proud and I admire your honesty. Thank you for your site it is making me feel like I need to get a grip and am not such a weirdo x
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