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Fear of being fat - Ashleys Bulimia Story

by Ashley

im on the right

im on the right

I have had bulimia for 6 years, I'm 23, I never really knew how it started until 3 years later you realize you have a problem. I was chubby when i was 10 and my dad - an amazing man - but would always voice his opinion and say my pants were too tight... One single comment in grade 7 may of been the start of the destruction... A boy I liked called me fat. Grade nine I lost all my baby fat through sports and was considered one of the most popular and nice girls throughout high school. I didn't know what bulimia was till grade ten....

I heard about it once and don't remember the exact reasons why I tried it but I did...and hated it. It burned and was incredibly hard to even get anything out. a few months passed and my parents decided to move across the country... I was devastated (they were my rocks) I decided to stay with my mom (parents divorced when 2) me and my mom were never close but I refused to leave my friends. I switched schools and met a very funny, confident, 4 foot 7 girl... we became best friends. She threw up in front of me once I asked her and she said it keeps her in shape. I was 5'3 and obviously bigger but still self conscious (don't know why through high school was 118lbs and known to be the most sought after girl even as the newbie) I tried bulimia more and more - maybe once every 3 months. (Just so u know I have psychoanalyzed my own bulimia for the past year and I think I'm waiting for someone to tell me something I don't know)

Tragedy struck when my 2 year old sister died from cancer (leukemia very rare) I was 17 years old. Funny thing is I don't remember having bulimia until 18. I think i did it a few times but nothing serious, I never puked all throughout highschool, I would have remembered it...

All of a sudden it just happened! it wasn't just after my sister passed (as far as I can remember) but I do not know where it took a turn. I think its because we didn't realize what we were doing wrong until it became regular routine. I don't know when that routine was exactly - but it was around age 18.

I have a fear of being fat... I have always had this as long as I can remember. Since I was 10 and my dad said I looked chubby. I would rather be bulimic than be fat. I weigh myself after every meal and have a sick addiction to the scale...

Since age 19 I have thrown up every day at least once a day but sometimes up to five times a day. I broke down when I got a dui and called my my mom crying and shaking to tell her I needed help... I told her I wasn't okay and told her I've thrown up every day for the past two years. She sat there not comforting me but agreed to get me help. She came with me to her own doctor. (at this point I read up on bulimia and was scared of the affects even though none were happening - I just reached out - but to this day i wonder what for)

I went to see this doctor who was also treating my mom for breast cancer. I was scared for my health and asked if this was seriously affecting my body and he said no not at this point but you should see a psychologist. He made me an appointment which was a month later! At this point I had gotten over my sad 3 days gained 4 pounds and said I would rather still be bulimic... If I can't control my weight I feel like I'll go crazy... My mom knew that I had missed my appointment and I lied and told her everything was fine. Yet there was disgusting puke stains all over my toilet that were quite obvious that were ignored. I was not cared about... And it got worse.

I visited my step mom and dad 2 years ago - my "best friends". At this point they had heard about my bulimia but could not do to much but ask and all I said is I don't do it anymore. Parents have no choice to believe you which is sad because you want help.... (but then again you don't) I went to Ontario and still threw up everyday, my stepmom - a clean freak - noticed... I still denied - but they knew, I still refused to tell them even though they offered help and told me the effects of bulimia. I told them I was okay but all they could do was watch helplessly because they couldn't force anything and I sure as hell look okay.

I am now 23 still fighting this disease and now deciding to do something about it! Sad thing is I have actually gained 4 pounds over the past 4 years and now weigh 131 i have increased 2 pounds every year.

I have said this for the past 2 years - probably 3. I have stopped at points.. once time for 7 months... But i do not remember why or how. I have an amazing family now - but have been through a lot as a teen and young adult. I know I am loved and truly think I am a beautiful person inside and out... But this bulimia is the darkest thing.

This is why I have decided to take a stand now!...

My teeth are starting to chip. I have chipped 3 already and am devastated. I ask friends if this is happening to them - but secretly I know what is happening. I have a great smile and for the past 3 months I've been set on eating healthy... I have actually lost 5 LBS and working out thanks to the book body for life. I throw up 3 times a week or when I uncontrollably eat. I have a fit body except a little baby fat around the stomach. I look at myself and sometimes think I look great - and other times thisnk I look hideous... I don't know why!? i feel so strong mentally and now that I'm seeing the side effects of bulimia It's given me confidence to stop. I know it takes time and I've heard talking to a therapist helps - but I'm seriously so scared of gaining weight. It's sad because i know how to lose it!

I wrote this mostly for myself and OMG what a release! Please respond if you have similar situations!

This website has helped me get through at least 10 percent and if someone could interact with me - because even though I know I'm not alone I truly feel like I am.

Shaye Says

Hi Ashley!

Thank you so much for sharing your story on my website... I am glad that you felt like it was a good release!

My goodness girl - you have been through your fair share of difficulties... You have managed to get this far - and by that I can see you are a strong person who will beat bulimia!

I think you're on the right track with your bulimia recovery - but I must suggest that you try to take the focus of recovery off your weight. Try to remember that weight is just a measurement on a scale - is it really so important that it dictates our health and happiness!

Recovering from bulimia won't make you fat... Our bodies are designed to Eat - and to be fit and healthy!

Stay strong girl!


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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program