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Exhausting efforts to beat binge eating

by Anya

I am 21 years old and I have suffered for roughly the past 6 years. I have always been over weight. My mom died when I was 5 years old and my dad had to work a lot and I remember being overweight since 4th grade. My dad took me to the doctor and I was put on the South Beach Diet in 7th grade. Which is when I started to sneak food. My best friend who was suffering from anorexia gave me all her food and I would hide it in my bedroom and always eating in secret from my dad. I remember not understanding why I was the only heavy kid out of all my cousins my age, and so one day I got frustrated and burst out saying I was just fat because my mom had been overweight too or at least in all the pictures I had of her. I then blamed my problems on my mom dying and my dad never being there. My binge eating got worse and I went from 135 pounds to 180 by my freshman year of high school. Which is when I started the Jenny Craig diet and got down to 140 pounds, only 15 pounds away from my goal weight when I started to binge again. Then in gym one day a video on eating disorders was shown and I remember thinking what a good idea they had in it and how much control and fun it looked. And so it began. I remember thinking after my first binge and purge that I would never do it again, because I knew it could kill me. However I didnt stop. It got worse and I was always home alone so no one ever noticed. I tried restricting but I had too much of an past addiction with food to stop eating. I didnt throw up a lot at first and gained more weight reaching an all time high of 200. I began throwing up more rigorously after every time I ate, especially now that I had a job and a car that I used to support my habit.

I went to college and binged more than I ever had my first year, and since I lived in the dorms I found it difficult to find a place to purge. The summer after my freshmen year I lived in an apartment with my brother and some friends, I got my first boyfriend long distance and was going to see him after I finished summer school, during that month I restricted my food intake quite well and bulimia was brought back on aggressively as well and worked out nearly 3 hours a day, I lost X pounds in a month. My sophomore year I got my own place and although I didnt think I could binge any worse than i was, I did. I was going through 2 or 3 containers of ice cream a week, boxes of rice, macaroni, pasta. In which I gained even more weight. I was absolutely disgusted with myself. The second semester I decided to lose weight, it became my summer situation all over again. Restricting, any over eating came right back up, self harm, working out 6-7 days a week 2-4 hours a day, but my weight was always going up and down because of my struggle with containing my binge eating, however I managed to lose X pounds.

That was last semester. Now it is the fall of my junior year. I am still greatly struggling with binge eating and purging, up to 4-5 times a day. I have been trying to lose weight since school began 2 months ago. I lost X pounds the fist 2 weeks, and ever since I have been stuck at X pounds because of my binging which I realize has gotten out of control. Yesterday I was sitting in bed and looked around me and realized I had just eaten an entire half gallon of ice cream, a large can of pringles, and 5 hot dogs in less than 6 hours. My family has been so proud of my weight loss that I was able to achieve last semester but now my dad will be visiting in a week and I have nothing to show. He told me was excited to see the progress I have made. Unfortunately there isnt any. I feel pathetic and worthless. I could have been at or very close to my goal weight by now if I had been able to keep up with eating healthy and exercising. I realize that I could of been at my goal weight 5 years ago! I have wasted so much time with this illness and I want to get rid of it forever. I am scared to tell anyone yet, for I am still much overweight and I dont think anyone could take me seriously. Im scared that I will look pathetic.

I know this is a long story but I just had to get it out there. Even if no one reads it. I hope everyone out there is staying strong and that one day we will all be able to beat this. Thank you so much if you have read my story. I wish that one day all of these stories will have very happy endings.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program