Everyone thinks I'm recovered, while in fact I'm not even close.
Even the thought of writing something down is putting my heart on overdrive. I'm embarrassed by the disgusting things I'm doing to myself, while everyone I know thinks and expects that I'm recovered.
I'm a 21 year old woman, and I've been struggling with eating disorded behavior since I was 8, and bulimia has been part of that since I was about 14. I've spend more than half of my life dealing with this. The last couple of months it's gone from bad to worse. Again.
Right now, I desperately want to recover: I have a great study, nice work and colleagues, and amazing group of friends and I feel more alive than I've ever felt... but it feels like I've lost control over my own mind. I can't properly focus on things because I'm continuously thinking when I can find time to binge and purge, my body aches all the time and I can't fully enjoy my dance classes. I used to block those thoughts out, but now it feels like I'm becoming a food-frenzied monster.
I have it all. I have a great life, and I made that happen. I made sure that everyone that has ever told me that I couldn't make it, were wrong. And I'm embarrassed and scared that if I don't sort this out, if I don't recover from bulimia, I will lose it all, perhaps even my life.
I know I can recover from this. Food was always something that made me feel safe, secure.. and now it's time to let that go.
I hope that anyone that reads this finds a way to achieve the things you want to achieve. Find a way, or make a way, you'll get there!
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