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Ever Hopeful

by Milly
(Leeds, UK)

I have struggled with binge eating and bulimia for over 10 years now. I'm fed up of it and just want to eat normally - whatever I want, when I'm hungry. I do this most of the time but I know there is always that little devil on my shoulder that holds onto that little bit of diet mentality, and drives me towards uncontrollable eating every now and then (about once a week actually). For some reason I can't seem to freely allow myself full fat coke and I have an obsessive relationship with chocolate - I often gave it for breakfast and it's the first thing I reach for when a binge kicks off. I know none of this is normal and even I can see how silly it is to be so obsessed with getting skinny - especially as I'm one of the thinnest of all my friends - but for some reason I can't seem to let go of the drive to get thinner and thinner - possibly because true thinness and control over food ever eludes me - I'm slim/thin, but I'm not skinny - and I'm certainly not in full control of what I eat - which I firmly believe is what keeps me that bit heavier than I want to be (even though I usually purge after I binge). I just want to let it all go and be normal, but I know that would involve letting go of the desire to be thinner, and that's the hard part. I hope one day it will just click into place and I'll get over this silly habit, I am ever hopeful that this is going to happen, but I think I know deep down that I need to take a more conscious approach. Still, at least I have hope.

Shaye Says

Hope is a beautiful seed Milly... that can grow into incredible things! However, that seed will battle to grow if you don't take action and look after it, water it, give it the love and care it needs to thrive.

You are strong beyond your wildest dreams... Dig deep, call on that strength and start taking action towards recovery. You may have to work on calling a truce in the battle against your body. You are together for life, afterall... it's much easier to get along :)

Something that I learnt (the hard way, through 10 years of eating disorders!) is that in order to have a normal relationship with food, I need to embrace a more-or-less normal sized body. My body is very average sized now... But it is beautiful. I am healthy - and this is something to celebrate!

You can get here too Milly... open you heart to it :)

xx Shaye

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program