I have just spent hours reading posts on this site. I have cried and laughed and related to everyone on such a personal level. My story is word for word the same as many others that have been shared here. Shaye you are an inspirational person and I hope you realize the full extent of this site and how you have contributed in saving the lives of so many. I am 22 years old and have been suffering for 6 years. I came out to my two years ago and they were extremely supportive. All the pressure and high expectations I have felt in life have been self imposed. My secret is that I have relapsed. I had one year where I felt as though I was recovered. During that time (university) I gained around 40lbs. I then went on a crash type diet and my relapse soon followed. I am now hiding my binges - which have grown to include unfathomable amounts of food and have increased in frequency to about 4 a day. I am engaged to my highschool sweet heart and as far as he knows nothing is wrong. I cried after reading the post where Tom just flat out asked you if you threw up after you ate. I feel as though I would die of shame if I were to be confronted about it now. My parents believe that I am recovered aswell.
My story is interesting in that from the outside, my life seems to be just about perfect. I have a supportive family, we are financially secure, I feel as though I am attractive (minus of course my obsession with being thin) ,great friends, dream career, My husband is my best friend and I couldn't imagine possibly being more in love with someone. So why am I cheating on him with food? I too have often missed out on life because I wanted/needed to stay home alone so I could have a good session of B/P
I want to stop. I want to live this life that I have been blessed with.
Currently I have been recovered for 4 hours...
I have opened up to a campus counsellor before 2 years ago. I had 3 sessions with her but found it not to be all that helpful. After alot of self reflection, I believe that spark of my bulimia, as juvenile as it seems, was due to a strong feeling of rejection that I had as a young teenager from a boy who I was obsessed with. From then on it was my goal to be perfect and desirable to "show him what he was missing out on" 6 years later when I seen him I still get chills. like the desire to prove something to him is still strong. Even though I am happily married to the love of my life I still have an unhealthy connection to the boy who rejected me at age 15.
From there stemmed my addiction. At first I thought I had it all figured out. Bulimia was my best ally. I could eat the yummiest foods in the largest quantities and not gain a pound. purging for me is so easy. As long as I'm mixing with the xxxx, as many have mentioned, all I have to do is simply lean over and push. No fingers necessary. That sounds so graphic but I'm sure many of you relate. I realise now that I have completely lost control. I relate to the story about faking sea sickness and throwing up on the boat in front of your family just to get it out.
My "ah ha" moment was this evening exploring all the inspirational posts you all have shared. I deserve better from myself.
I love you all.
I am SO glad that you now KNOW you deserve better! Because you honestly do - you deserve pure and blissful peace. Waking up with a fresh and exciting day ahead of you... A day where you can nourish yourself and enjoy food - along with other things: your husband, friends, career, the sunshine - and everything else! Bulimia has a way of casting a dark veil over our lives... But i swear to God recovery will rip that dark veil off and you'll see the world for the AMAZING place that it truly is!
Now that you have decided you deserve recovery, I'd urge you to take it one step further. Do one thing that will enable you to build a recovery team. By a recovery team I mean a person or people who will be there to listen to the ups and downs of this journey you are going to walk. Your recovery team could be your husband (although I know opening up to him might not be an option for you yet) - or it could be a therapist - or even the bulimia recovery community
in the online program I run.
Do one thing Bella! Just one thing that helps you take another step forward. YOU WILL GET THERE! I did it and you can too!
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