First, thank you for your stories. The emotions and experiences other people share open a space that feels real for my perspective.
Second, if you are reading this, we already share a better knowledge of one another than many people we will meet. Knowing that, please remember my message of support and love to you, whenever your mind and body begin taking your spirit somewhere you do not want to go.
Third, where to begin. I pondered this question so many times, shut in a room all alone, too embarrassed to be seen by friends nearby, without any TV, radio, or computer contact. Where to begin healing an open wound? Why did this happen to me? Who could I confide in that will not judge me? What do other people do to curb excess desire? How do I cure myself?
I am proud to say I no longer intentionally binge and purge. In my fifth year of sporadically falling into the pit called bulimia, I realized no one could make me change but myself, and that the twisted pleasure I derived from momentary experiences would cause all kinds of strange consequences. I accept my mistakes as a symptom of a sexist and excessive society, and I understand my most f*cked up moments as very real, very human, and beautifully askew.
The whole time I allowed myself to be bulimic, a few thoughts were constantly heavy on my mind. From my body itself, an ongoing question is raised, where is the energy I need? Oh, of all the days I could not think of anything but what I was going to eat, or how to sate my appetite without eating too much, or how to hide my attempts at erasure. From my mind, I wondered after my father in his obesity, and my mother's full figure, and all the images of attractive women in the media, and all the people who have little or nothing to eat. From my spirit, the feeling is still the same: I have innate emptiness, and matter gets in my way.
I am embarrassed still by episodes of binge eating, but will not allow myself to think it is tolerable to purge anymore. That leads to a different type of physical discomfort, and different visual aftereffects, but spiritually feels much cleaner and healthier. I am setting goals for myself with respect to the childish nature of my mind, knowing I have animal desires that often surpass logic. I will be elated when I stop overeating and overcome bulimia for months, and then years, and then hopefully help others recover.
For you, dear reader, my thanks to you for seeking the truth. I advise you to love, respect, honor, and improve yourself. When you get your sh*t together, you rediscover the deeper potential your disorder suppressed. I feel like a child again, on my path back to maturity, leaving behind the dark moments and seeking a brighter future for all of us!
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