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Ehi, I still do it

by Io
(Italy)

I started it 9 years ago. At the end of a normal and followed by doctors diet. I just could not stop eating what I denied my self for so long (not that long actually, just 5 months of diet in which I lost 16 kg). The point is that before the diet, I was a chubby girl, not really interested in what I was eating, I do not remember very well my eating habits. I think I was eating too much, and often junk food, but I wasn't giving much of importance to it. I would like to remember how my relationship with food was but I cannot...
Anyway...it first started with the bunging of course. Even during the diet, when there was some particular occasions, like weddings or parties in general, I was really overeating, telling my self: "if u break the diet, break it as much as u can, form tomorrow on you will be back to restrictions".
Then this behavior was extended to other everyday occasions...but I think the first purging happened not after a bunging. I think I had a normal "diet" meal. I was happy with that, but I ruined everything with a giant croissant afterwords. I think I try to vomit it, and I even think I used a toothbrush. Then it became an habit, after big meals with the family, but mainly after bunging episodes. I was sooo in love with food I found the expedient to eat all I wanted. I had bad times and good times. For a period spent studying abroad it was dramatic. Bunging and puking at least twice per day, almost everyday. I had holes in my hand! And since I hated to purge I was trying to have the highest amount of food in one session. I spent a fortune...I gain 10 kg in 5 months. Put my self in some embarrassing situations. Once I had to leave the house to find a place where to vomit and I did next to the rubbish in the backyard. At home I was taking the car and started my food tours. If I was in the city centre I did not need a car. I was going from a bar to another, from a McDOnald to a Burger King, then last stop was the supermarket for the last things to bring at home and vomit there if there was the possibility. Or in case doing it in some gas station or McDonalds. When I did not know where to go I was just driving in some hidden places. If they were calling me at the mobile I could not stop eating. S I was either not answering or answering and keep on chewing. Once I had almost a car accident because of me eating and driving. But I remeber how enthusiast I was before starting. I love food soooo much!!

Now the situation is a bit different. It is not an obsession as it was in the past. Let's say it is more a lucid obsession. I know I cannot do all the time like in the past. But I try to choose and plan my episodes. So I dont just eat what it is in the house, but I go shopping, go back home when nobody is around and start! The worst feeling now is beofre the starting. I really feel to have a double personality. One says c'mon let's do it, the other: "if you let time pass this compulsive wish will vanish, do not surrender to it, choose to do the right thing!". The second does not work much of course.
Lately the running and the sport is keeping me from doing it so often.

I do not know how to conlude this letter. I needed only to write. Dav, I am not going to give it to you anyway. I told you I had the problem several years ago, we tried to solve it. Then I did not want to talk about it anymore. You thought I was healed. I was just protecting my secret...I want still to protect it, now that I have organized it in a handy way I am not sure I want to give it up.

SOrry for my English, it is not my mother tongue...















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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


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