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Eating disorder hell..

by Kaitlyn
(Canada)

Since I was about 9 I've had body image issues, at first they weren't bad, I attempted dieting when i was 10 because I thought my stomach was big, I failed everytime, and then I'd binge on chips, cookies.. etc.. I didn't throw any of it up though, I'd been dieting occasionally from about age 10-13, but things got serious at 14 when i noticed my weight was very close to being in the "clinically overweight" category and I went to bed crying and wanting to take scissors to every inch of fat on my body and chop it off, so I decided I would diet, this time would be different because I HAD to lose X lbs atleast. I was eating less than Xkcal a day for awhile, and I always lost X pound a day, i reached my goal weight (which was a healthy one) in less than two months, but I wanted to keep going because I tried maintaining it so I kept going, because if I couldn't maintain it, I'd just get fat again which wasn't acceptable.. so I got down to being about X pounds under my minimal weight and my mom took me to the doctor.. I water loaded and I managed to slip up over the X lb mark (i was X lbs under that in reality yes i'm 5'2 1/2) he said I was fine as long as I didn't lose any more weight, but I ignored it because I just thought everyone was against me, I got down to Xkg and people noticed.. my school counsellor had to get me into an ED treatment where I gained Xkg and was given a plan to gain Xkg on my own, but i didn't WANT to be Xkg.. but I remember I just ate everything in the kitchen and threw up, i quickly spiralled out of control, b/ping like 10 times a day for a year.. I got caught once because i made a mess in the bathroom, but i told my mom it was the first time I'd done it, she believed me and threatened to "lock me up," if she saw it again.. I kept up doing it, making sure to clean up after myself.. but one day I just decided I'd had enough.. but I wasn't ready to get fat again, so I decided instead of restricting, or binging I'd allow myself what I wanted in proper QUANTITIES to avoid turning into a whale again, right now I've gone without purging for over 2.5 days now.. which is weird for me I want to keep it up so bad, and the best part, I haven't gained any weight, or lost. But my face is less puffy and my shorts feel LOOSER which means I was probably retaining water I feel great right now, I really want to keep it up.. I'm not giving up, if I slip up and binge, i'm not going to tell myself it's over.. might as well start all over i'm going to tell myself to not give up and start again right after

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