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Don't know what to do to recover from bulimia

by Charley
(Holland)

Hi

I first started purging three months ago. I started because i thought of myself as fat. I think it started off with purging some things I ate at night like cookies and crisps.

But then I started doing it more often and with every 'bad' thing I ate so I also started eating more cause I could just puke it out.

Later on I didnt want to eat anymore and I ate very little and only wanted to eat dinner. But because I was eating so little my body wanted food so I started the real binging. Going to the grocery store to buy cake and chocolate and crisps. Mostly after school and I'd sneak it off to my room.

One time my parents were leaving the house for about 2 hours at like 11 am. And I got dressed and planned to buy some binge food. I ate it all but didnt puke out everything.

In fact when I ate something 'bad' i didnt always purge which led to gaining weight. Which led to not eating again.

After three weeks since I was 'bulimic' I told my teachers at school and later told my mum. After about a month and a half I got help and first had an intake appointment and about a week later my first real appointment which was now 3 days ago.

They only told me that it was bad for you blabla amd they gave me an eating scedual.for breakfast: two slices or bread, lunch: 2 slices of bread, snack: fruit, dinner: whatever my mum is cooking.
the first day went good, the second day i had a small binge and purged, the third day went good, yesterday i ate bad things troughout the whole day and only purged once. And today i binged and purged aswell. And i dont know how to stop myself really, i just want to eat and eat.

I noticed that my binges from yesterday were because i was feeling a bit strressed because my mum and stepfather are deforcing and he moved out yesterday.

And today i dont know why i binge and it doesnt always have a reason. Sometimes i feel like some sort of a robot. I dont really want to eat but i still do and go to the kitchen and dont listen to myself.

But because i read your story and you've been bulimic for ten years and a lot of other stories from people who are bulimic for several years i feel like i cant say im bulimic.

But i also know that if i continue like this i can continue for years and can call myself bulimic. But since its now only for three months i dont know how to call it.

I find it so hard to stop this cycle and i have another appointment next week so they are going to ask me for my eating diary and they'll see that i have been b/p.

I weigh more now then i did before i was bulimic and i see myself that what im doing is wrong but i cant stop myself. I am asking for some advice?

I dont know what to do and my mum knows about it but im not going to talk about it with her. I hope you'll respond


Xx Charley


Shaye Says



Hi Charley,

Congratulations on telling your mom and teacher about your bulimia... Opening up is a big step - and I know it's not easy.

Structured eating is definitely a good start... So the advice your getting is a good start. But, the meal plans they have suggested do sound quite boring and restrictive. Perhaps you could add a few more exciting foods into it and this will make you feel less 'deprived' and less likely to binge.

I know that robot feeling you talk about... I used to think I felt semi-human and programmed to eat, eat, eat... whatever I could find... Even things i did not like! It was exhausting! The thing to remember is that although you feel like a robot... not really conscious... There are lots of conscious steps that push you into a binge and purge cycle... And, you have the ability to intervene at any of these steps... It's a challenge - but it's very possible... I wrote more about this in one of my past newsletters.... break the habit of your binge purge cycles

Charley, I am so glad you're seeking help for bulimia now... The faster you seek help - the less engrained the habit will be in your brain. Keep taking baby steps forward!

Love
Shaye

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of your-bulimia-recovery.com
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community


The Bulimia Recovery Program