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Disillusioned and Unsure

by Absie
(Naperville )

I've always been overweight. In high school I never dieted or counted calories, but I felt self-conscious. I knew that I ate more than my friends, particularly cookies and other sweets. Freshman year of college I decided to start tracking what I ate, use calorie counters, etc. Despite deprivation and crying over Reeses occasionally, I lost about X pounds over several months. I was miserable, though, depriving myself and running 6 days a week. I ended up injured and in what's felt like an endless cycle of binge eating. I gained the weight back and a couple of pounds more.

I've never been bulimic or anorexic or anything, but I don't feel like I know what it's like to be normal anymore. Binge eating and feeling like I can't escape the cycle IS the norm. I feel disillusioned because every time I try to escape the cycle, a few days later I just cave and go through carby food. Some binges are worse than others, and they aren't as extensive as they used to be, but I feel so terrible afterwards. I'll just shove anything sugary or bready in my mouth to satisfy me.

I don't know if it's emotional - perhaps on some level it is... I've felt pretty lonely for a lot of my life despite having some incredible close friends. But part of it just feels like boredom and habit, like I have to fill this space and be uncomfortably full to get my 'fix.' I feel like an addict and I think I'm scared to break the cycle because I'm worried I won't be able to sustain something new and healthy for the long haul.

I've read plenty on human biochemistry, metabolism, and all manner of eating/lifestyle plans. But I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried everything including low carb, moderate carb, paleo, primal, everything in between... Even intuitive eating, which often works until somehow I end up triggered into a binge. I'm still trying to understand that better.

Binge eating just can't be part of my identity. I want to ditch this part of me and eat normally, eat whatever I want, like a regular person, but generally stick to healthier foods to fuel my strength training workouts better.

Anybody with recovery stories? I just... don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
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The Bulimia Recovery Program