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Didn't take myself seriously

by Elizabeth

I didn't realize I was anorexic in high school until I remembered how little I ate every day, and how tired I was all the time, and how I weighed myself every single day. Now, I'm in college and I'm afraid to weigh myself, and it's harder to control what I eat, so I have resorted to bulimia. It's disgusting, but I want to be as thin as I was two years ago, when I was technically 'underweight' by BMI standards, but I felt best about myself then. I mostly need help with bingeing. I will diet all week, restricting calories, eating nothing but carrots and apples and protein powder/bars and drinking coffee, but then i'll binge and purge and feel horrible and diet again, and the pattern continues. It's hard to purge, I live in a dorm so the bathrooms are communal and I have a roommate, but I hide food and rearrange the trash in the trash can so my roommate doesn't see what I eat, and I absolutely can not eat in public, no matter what it is, I have to eat in private because I feel so guilty. I have read countless diet books, articles, and have gone on 'purifying, healthy' detoxes, but I still binge and purge. I've never binged and purged before coming to college, because at first making yourself throw up is very difficult, but now i'm a 'pro' but I need to stop! I love my teeth, I had braces for ages and my smile is one of my favorite things about myself, but I also love being and feeling thin, fitting into tiny clothes and seeing tiny silhouettes and shadows of myself. I feel that if I can stop this horrible cycle I can go back to being normal, but I need help limiting the binges, because I won't purge unless I've just binged. I'm incredibly busy, involved in college groups, and am even campaigning for student senate, and taking 20 credits, but food and thoughts of food consume my life. I have a boyfriend who tells me I should eat more, I don't need to lose any weight, etc., but it never stops me. I didn't take my illness seriously, I would mockingly tell my closest friends how "i'm dying" and would casually refer to death as if I knew I didn't care whether I died tomorrow or not. Some of friends cut themselves, a lot are bipolar, and I always thought I was very stable, normal compared to them. I didn't take myself seriously, and now I need help.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program