Desperate For Help and Needing to Take Control
I'm a 22 year old girl, and I've been bulimic for 10 years now. It's really weird and scary that I am so young and have had this mental disease for a decade now. I've never written about my experience, but I hope that doing so now can help me start to work through my issues and start to recover. It would be really great to get some responses from people who care and might have some advice on how to get my life back on a healthy track again.
I am a classically trained ballerina of 15 years, which I believe exacerbated my bulimia. There wasn't any pressure to be thin - my teachers never said a word about anyone's weight. That being said, when you are in tights and a skin-tight leotard for 5 hours a day, you are very in tune with and aware of every inch of your body. I wanted to be thin, and I started to eat less, and when I had to eat, I would purge. During college, after my dancing career was over, my desire to look like skin and bones changed to my wanting to just be thin and in-shape. I desired to be, and succeeded in being healthy looking, with my dancer muscular body that is still thin (but not sickly looking). Anyway, I started to binge because I really like food, but after going through a haze of eating any delicacies in sight, I didn't want to get fat, or gain any weight at all. When I'm not binging and purging, I eat healthily in such a way that nourishes my body. When I start to eat things that aren't good for my body, then I start to get into "purge" mode.
I purge daily, and I have been doing so without even necessarily thinking about it - it's become something that I do as part of my regular routine. I recently attended a wedding where I ate a huge meal and couldn't find anywhere to purge afterward. The bathroom was constantly clogged with wedding guests. I left my friend's wedding early just so I could go throw up everything I ate. After that I realized that food and purging regulates everything in my life. It seems like everything in my life revolves around good and when and where I will throw up in the event that I eat food that isn't good for me.
I need help and I don't know where to start. I'm trying to think of small goals like the e-book advised. I know that I need to CONSCIOUSLY think of how I need to eat well to nourish my body, rather than to eat junk knowing that I will be throwing it up once I can't physically take another bite. Truthfully, I'm just scared of dying. It never occurred to me that throwing up as much as I do can and will kill me in time if I don't intervene and change my life. I can never even be fully happy because I have this mental disease that drives every thought process I have. Sorry if I'm just rambling now, but like I said I've never written or spoken about this with anyone before, and now I'm finding it to be embarrassing, but less so because you're all people going through the same thing. Please, if anyone has any advice or tips, I would be so completely grateful. I'm hoping to form some bonds on here, and attempt to help and encourage others along the way.
Happy and healthy eating to all,
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