Dear someone who doesn’t know me,
I'm 22, I'm a women and I'm bulimic. It's been roughly two years now since this thing began to emerge and I was positive it would have passed by now. Not only has it not passed but it only become worse over time. It not consumes me. It's all I do all day, it's all I think about and depending what time or day you ask me about it I'll either tell you that I love it or hate it. It is my best friend and my worst enemy. To be honest, I can't even remember how or when it started, and I don't know how I've let it consume me to the point it's running my life. I can admit that there have been very few years in my life where I haven't been involved in some form of self-harming activity, but I managed to deal with those on my own, but this, this I can honestly say I have no control over anymore and it's slowly ruining me day by day. I have done everything in my power to keep this secret, and knowing myself I will put everything on the line to continue doing so. Not being able to reach out due to the fear of any one in my life finding out has meant I have never been able to seek out help. I have only even told 3 people, all of which are now well removed from my life and that’s how I would like it to stay. I am what people call a ‘foodie’ and a lot of what I do and am known for relates to food, making the fear of being exposed that much worse.
I have so many thoughts and feelings about this like “why me?”, “will I ever get over this?” and “how did I get myself here?”. I can vaguely remember life before this damn thing started taking over, and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to eat a meal and enjoy it without throwing it up after, or go a day where the thought of my next binge and purge doesn’t pop into my head. It just seems so unlikely and impossible that I can’t actually imagine it… and that really worries me.
I’m just starting to realise that I’m not the only person out there with this damn thing, and there really are people out there who understand this, and I mean truly understand this. People that have lived through and experienced the same thoughts, lives, moments and feelings that I have. Those stupid things like the plans we make in our heads, and burning we’ve felt in our throats, the promises we’ve made and the unlimited power and weaknesses we’ve felt.
One day I want to look back on this and have it be a distant memory, a learning lesson, a story I can tell, but that moment just seems so far away that I don’t know if it’s even a possibility.
Thanks-you for letting me vent.
And I think you’re wonderful no matter what you’re up to.
If only I could say the same thing when I looked in the mirror myself.
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to bulimic letter.