Dear Me, accept that you need help again
I know how hard it is for you not to be perfect. I know it is hard to have the feeling that you don't control every situation and that it is impossible to make everyone around you happy.
We started this journey 11 years ago. You are now 26. You have had good times, and bad ones. You know that since one year now it is the worst you have been. Although you had the will to seek help in January, since you moved to Switzerland you are getting worst and worst. You know your head hurts all the time and know you know that you feel cold when everyone else is good. You can't stop thinking about food. You started to eat and eat and the bingin and purgin cycles have lead you to stop making plans with your friends and to purge in places you never imagine. You've been hiding from your husband again, and you tell him lies. You tell him that you didn't eat or didn't purge when you know different. That makes you feel even worst and the only way to feel better is to binge and then it stars all over again.
You know also you've been telling lies to your parents and your friends again. You made it so good before. You were starting to get honest two or three month ago, and that made a huge difference. Now you know you are not been honest. You are not been honest to you, to your husband, to your family and friends. You know you can't continue that way. You know you have a problem and you have to admit it specially to yourself. Stop telling lies!!! Stop lying to yourself because saying that you do not have a problem will make it worst and won't make the ED better, it would only make it worst everytime. It is an endless cycle and only you have the power to stop it.
You should start for telling the truth to yourself and then to your husband. It is the only way you can get better and you know that. You know he loves you and supports you with all his heart. However he can only help you and support you if you tell his the truth tell his when you have urges to binge, purge and starve. And more important tell him when you actually do it. Stop telling you and him that everyting is alright when you know that you are on your way to a purge.
You do have a choice. You are smart, funny and beatiful. You have to start caring about yourself.
I love you and I know you can stop this.
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