Dealing with the emotions and the fear behind the illness that has been with me for so long - bulimia
So, I'm doing some soul-searching and wondering why I have been doing this to myself for a span of 25 years.
It's not something easy to think about and face. It's really alot about self-confidence for sure, and fear.
I've never been a go-getter, even as a kid. I was the youngest of the family, the quiet one, but spoiled since I was the only girl. As I've gotten older I've just never had the drive to better myself, and as I got even older I was afraid to try for the fear of failing. So, weather that was a result of having bulimia since I was about 15 or was it vice-versa? Did I use bulimia as a crutch so I wouldn't have to face my fears? Either way it seemed like they've been hand-in-hand for so many years.
Now, since it's been about 40 days since I've binged and purged (I don't remember my last one - that's amazing!) I need to build up my confidence in my abilities. Setting goals (as small as they may be - like things I've never done because I've been so busy letting food control me) and completing them and creating on-going new ones is something I've started...
I've put my life on the back-burner for so long because of this addiction.
So, I guess I've been playing therapist on myself for a while - but I need to. It's so important to understand why this has been a part of my life for so long and take positive steps so it doesn't come back at some point.
Shaye, thanks for the wonderful comments in your last newsletter. It's weird being called a strong woman because I haven't felt that way in a long time, but it does take alot of determination to stop binging and purging. The thing is, I feel like I still have work to do to build up my confidence in myself...
I know I haven't gone to counselling or therapy, but if anyone suffering from bulimia has that opportunity do get professional help - go for it! It would be so helpful with dealing with the emotions behind the illness. I wish I could - but if you can't don't let that stop you. I didn't and I'm staying on track for a long time to come.
Everyone - take care of your body, your spirit and your soul. Life is a wonderful gift so make the best of it.
When I feel the need to binge (which still does come once in a while - not often - I think "what good will this do me? How will I feel afterwards? Why would I want to put a whole bunch of energy and time into binging and purging when I could be doing something that would make me feel good?" After I think it through, I just don't even feel like doing it anymore, and I don't.
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