Day 8 in bulimia recovery...Struggled!
Too much of a good thing?
I went to a store today to exchange some shoes and ended up trying on some clothing... bad idea! I had woken up after a night of tossing and turning, started my morning with a great healthy breakfast and then headed out for the day.
The change room was small, fluorescently lit and was complete with 360 degree mirrors... I was hot (due to the stupid heaters being on!), had to pee (made me feel even more bloated than i was), and thought i looked like i had never seen the sun. After struggling to re-dress I managed to make my way out of the store and to the nearest restroom, which relieved me a bit and i felt like i could breathe again.
Next i went to the grocery store to pick up some groceries, which is part of my job (which I do love but definitely helps fuel my addiction - imagine unlimited funds for binge food, a very generous food allowance for meals each day and living in your own hotel..room service anyone?) ... anyways today was extra hard to walk past the never ending rows of delicious food, i was imagining my self eating everything in there and it had never looked so good. Amazingly i resisted. These two instances set me up for an entire day feeling heavy, tired, fat, down and really uncomfortable.
Over all today was just a really hard day.
After struggling with bulimia for four years (18yrs - 21) i am on my 8th day binge/purge free and thankfully i am writing this from my bed and it is time for sleep, meaning i made it to day 9...despite the multiple and what felt like constant voices screaming in my head all day just to give up and binge.
Yesterday was a great day - for two reasons. The first was that one whole week had disappeared and i had managed eat well and stay purge free! But an even greater accomplishment was coming out to my 24 year old sister, which was unexpected for me.
Shaye, finding your website a week ago has been a huge! turning point in my addiction, but even after reading your inspiring website for hours on end i still did not have plans on opening up in the near future. I guess something clicked in my mind and without much thought i was on the phone to my amazing sister at home in Canada. My sister was shocked and very sad but she was great, she really said and acted exactly how i needed her to, I am so thankful that i have a sister I can trust so much.
I do not exactly know my purpose for writing this post but i seem to just keep having scattered thoughts and i have always been uncomfortable putting thoughts to paper, so i guess bare with me.
I believe my addiction was triggered by a variety of things, including the death of my younger brother, body image in high school (went on a very restricted "healthy" diet), and most recently the loss of my incredible mum in February 2009... My family has endured so many additional life changing hurdles together (losing many other loved ones.. all to the same devastating disease...cancer.)
Wow, now that i have starting wright i feel like i can't stop, but i really do need help. I am eating three healthy meals and snacks a day, I know i am probably restricting more than i should be but i am also making and effort to enjoy treats. I have realized that i love healthy food but I feel like i am snacking tons. In my head I feel like it is ok to eat large salads, lots of carrots with hummus, lots of fruit... Even though its all really healthy could i be eating too much of it? .. Have you heard of Orthorexia?
Bed time! ... Shaye you are such a beauty inside and out and you have helped me so much more than you know!
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