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Dancing Blues

by khrissy

I don't even know how to start. I remember as a child (6 or 7) arguing with mt friend about who was fatter (both of us twigs). And I remember always feeling bigger than my classmates but the real struggle didn't start til I was 14 and started drill team. I remember looking around at everyone and thinking my legs are huge. So I was talking a friend and she told me sometimes she just throws up after she eats and that's how she stays skinny. I'd never heard of doing that and that same week I kid you not, an actress on Models Inc was doing the same thing. So I tried it and it didn't bother me so I kept doing it. On top of that I stopped eating too. And I lost weight, too much weight so stopped focusing on purging and started working out. Well I made the high school drill team and things got worse- biker tights, leotards, half tops, and skinny girls. And me being African American,I had curves that I look back at and I'd die to have that body again. But no I was fat, disgusting, one had any idea of how I felt. So I started purging again and maintaining a somewhat medium shape. I got to college and quit dancing for a while so I didn't do as often- but I started again my junior year and I began to workout and purge to keep my coach happy with my look- at this point my head is all jacked up. I had even made some semi pro dance teamms and I still just saw a fat girl in the mirror- friends were telling me how small I had gotten and I just didn't see it. So now I'm 30 trying to push all of those negative thoughts out and its really hard. I cry so much because I want o lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle but I don't want to continue pressuring myself to be a certain image that I prob will never see even if I get there...I've had episodes where I will eat something throw it up, then go get something else and throw it up or not even swallow it- just chew it and throw it away and I know that's not healthy. I'm tired of living like this. So I hadn't purged in like two months and then two days ago I did it and felt awful. Then reading how you gain weight first makes me happy because I was wondering why I was doing so much and the scale was going higher but it makes me sad because I'm putting in all this work and I don't know when I will see a change. Its so much more to my story and I'm so all over the place- but it feels really good to let this out. I'm happy for all you ladies who are doing something about your problem and I hope all of us can someday live a healthy life. Thanks for reading.

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