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Dad, Its me...

I've been your dearest daughter for the past 22 years but for the past 5 years i've been hiding an alien version of me that seems to be taking over more and more. I'm actually quite scared most days but I keep up that genuine smile that everyone recognizes me by. Its so hard to admit this and I know deep down inside that you somehow already have more than an inkling, but I am an exercise bulimic. I constantly have food on my mind and constantly try to control the amount of calories I take in for the day. If I slip up and enjoy an unhealthy snack or even a cookie Ill freak out. Those simple triggers of letting myself enjoy something so tiny sets me off. It feels like failure and I end up binging til I can purge it all up. If I still feel gross after purging then I'll hit the gym or run until I can't go anymore. My throat and tummy constantly hurt, and I can't sing as beautifully as I used too. I know I'm your little song bird and that I was meant to soar above the rest but I think i flegged the nest too soon. You see I wasn't ready for college, I fretted the final says of senior year and the end of my cross country season..I dreaded going somewhere where people didn't know me or of my accomplishments. It was rough to smile and nod like everything was okay but to secretly be sad to leave home and try to be doll on the pedelstool. Another thing that offset my belief in self beauty were the guys I hung out with. I had sex before I was ready and in one incident someone had laughed at my "baby fat" Not being model perfect like most girls my age but still wanting to be a home nester was a tough place to be in. Losing the familiar life and trying to fit in all the wrong ones set me out the wrong gate. I don't excatly know what day I decided this was my only option but as of know it has become my only way of dealing with every bit of stress that comes my way. I know I am smarter than this and i never would have thought it would be trap id fall into but here i am proving myself wrong. Im sorry i let you down but i want to recover, i just need support. The kind of support that doesn't judge the numbers on the scale, or beg me to eat eat eat, but the support that just says i accept you and i believe in you. Im here and always will be...

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program