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Crying on the stairs isn't what I wanted.

by Kate

hanging by a thread

hanging by a thread

This is long, but I need to get it out. (pic from google)

Time to be honest, with myself and everyone else on this virtual world. I'm Kate. I'm 20, go to public college in Oregon, female, a ginger, love gardening, used to dance ballet and modern, draw, read and purge.

I didn't used to. When I graduated from High School, two years ago, I did the math. I wasn't going to be doing 12-16 hours of dance practice every week for the dance team, so no more wolfing down a burger from Red Robin. Okay, so I'd be healthy. I went vegetarian, started taking smaller portions, passed on sugary or fatty or fried foods, and dropped 30 labs gradually. At 5'7", I went from ~ 160 to ~130 lbs (72 to 59 kg)over about 6 months. I was so happy. I had energy, I walked everywhere, guys looked at me, and when I went to college my new friends referred to me as "the skinny one".

I kept losing weight though, and roughly a year after I started I was down to 100 lbs. I didn't believe there was anything wrong, and didn't believe anyone that said I wasn't right. That next summer, I realized that I really was too skinny when I saw a photo on facebook, and actually asked the person to remove it because 'she'( read: me) looked scary.

I ate more, but still never weighed more than 115-120 lbs. Then in august, something in my head switched.

I started eating all those things I'd dropped the year before, as well as eating things that I had never liked in the past (Cream cheese, salsa, sour cream, a cup of cheese at once and then going back for more). From just eating what was in front of me I started going back for seconds, then thirds. I started purging that august, just a bit over a year from when I went 'healthy'. I keep gaining fat.

At this point, I'll eat straight outta the tupperware. It's gross, unsanitary, and I still can't/wont stop.

I focus, pretty much all the time, on the roundness of my stomach. On the jiggle when I go down stairs. On the clothes that are too tight. I purge, and I KEEP gaining fat. I'm now pushing 140-145, and hate my lack of control. I exercise, and I signed up for a half-marathon on July 4rth. The training hasn't helped me stop gaining.

I live in a house with 64 other college girls. A few of them know, because I told the wrong person, and she told others. I've gone to group therapy this term, but it hasn't helped.

These past few days have been bad. I've purged nearly 6 times in the past 2.5 days. I don't feel hungry, but eat anyway. I worry about stomach rupture, about my teeth and throat, about the bloody noses I keep getting when I throw up.

Today, I came to the realization that I probably qualify as depressed. I've been trying to study for my finals (really bloody difficult ones) that start in two days, but keep eating and purging and stalling. This is hurting my grades. I went back to my room, but my room mate was there with her boyfriend, and I've nowhere else private/safe here. I was crying on the stairs, people saw me, and I just want to be me again.

I want to go home.

I just want to go home.

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program