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Creating my own ennemy.

by Sarah
(Beirut, Lebanon)

I was born with a blessing : an awesome metabolism.

I have always been slim, ate what I wanted, whenever I wanted without really thinking about it.

I am 23 year old, and Dieted once when I was 16, since I know food well, nutritional values, fat and all, but never made it a complex.

Recently, being unstable, at home and all, I started eating not because I wanted to, but because I could, I abused of my blessing and literally defied my system. I created a demon, something to focus on.

I would binge eat till I burst, purge the last bite for relief at first, then purge scarred to gain weight, a fear I was born not to have. I forgot my blessing and out-shadowed it with a handmade curse.

I stopped my bulimic episodes of 2 months, did experience the bloat and water retention, but it took me a week to get rid of them, but then fell into restricting and now I have had relapses. I am scarred to stop, because I dread the bloat, and think that the only way out of relapse is restricting which well sucks.

The point is, as I am typing, I am literally thinking about whether I feel like binging today, which means everything is up to me.

Bulimia is not perplex, forget the underlying issues, it is really, to me at least, a matter of habit and of challenge.

I probably will slip today, or I won't, but both ways I learned that I should give myself a break, it happens, but that shouldn't dictate who you are nor how your life will be.

Everything is up to me, to us, we are the center of our universe, and in my universe, I rule no matter what I do, and loving oneself and forgiving oneself is never to late nor to hard, so instead of throwing up, binging, take yourself out, splurge on yourself, surround yourself, pamper yourself.

We create our demons, but we and only we can turn them into dust.

I hope I do, one day at a time, one success at a time, no pressure, relapse 7 times, get back up a day, that day alone is amazing! Focus on the good!

Love to all of you, i feel your struggle and I congratulate everyone's successes, recoveries, will to recover, relapses, moving on, congrats always for everything!

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Article by Shaye Boddington
Author of
and creator of The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community

The Bulimia Recovery Program