I will try to make this brief, although an eating disorder has now consumed my life for the past 2 years (no pun intended).
When I was 15 I had the opportunity to go on a missions trip with my church. It was great, it really was, but I returned with a new perspective of life. I was so excited to share my stories with my friends, but unfortunately they were not such enthusiastic listeners. They did not understand, and I was hurt that they did not care about my recent adventure.
Long story short, this led to a series of misunderstandings, and eventually a falling out with my best friend. Unfortunately the blame fell on me, or at least I felt that way. I loved my friends dearly and so this was really quite traumatic for me. I had already been struggling with compulsive exercising, but now I had lost my confidence. Food was really the only thing I could control, so I basically stopped eating and increased my exercise to try and numb the pain. Pretty soon my control started spinning out of control and I almost starved to death.
That spring, through counseling and prayer, I made some steps toward recovery, my goal was to be strong enough so I could go to camp that summer. Although it was by no means easy, I did it, and had a wonderful summer at camp.
Then fall rolled around, time for back to school shopping. My mom and I went on a shopping trip which meant I had to try on clothes which was/is a trigger. That night, after eating a salad for dinner, is the first time I remember throwing up on purpose. Little did I know that would be the beginning of my bulimia.
At the time it seemed to be the perfect solution; I could eat anything I wanted and not gain weight! Unfortunately that was not the case. Not only did it create a terribly unhealthy mind set, but I actually ended up gaining back a lot of weight that I had lost the year before. I hated myself. This self-hatred only fueled my bulimic habits and binging and purging became a regular part of my day.
Sometimes I think I'm doing better, but then the next day I'll make up for it by throwing up 2X as much. I am so sick of bulimia controlling my life! I just want to be strong and heathy and enjoy my senior year of high school!
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