Chasing Dreams, Fame and Skinny
(El Paso, TX, U.S.A.)
I have been recovering from my bulimia since mid-August of 2012 and have not binged, used laxatives or starved myself since. But we need to back it up to child hood because thats where I first remember my unhealthy eating habits starting.
I grew up in a family who was in entertainment (professional wrestling) and in the public eye so there was always this need to be put-together or in my mind, PERFECT. I grew up backstage at wrestling shows and will always remember the first time I saw a Diva (female wrestler). She was incredible! Tanned, gorgeous flowing hair, flawless makeup, and was....thin and muscular.The first thing I did was look at myself and list how differently I looked compared to her. Ever since then and with the pile up of my mom having cancer, dad being a drug and alcohol addict and a divorce, I started doing weird things with my food. I would eat a lot. Compulsively eating whenever things got bad at home or I was having a bad day. I noticed I would start making myself get more active so I could become thinner. I was always in discomfort from constantly sucking in my stomach and stressing about how everyone could see my fat or comparing how fat I was to all my skinny friends. These behaviors have always been a part of my life but my bulimia really didn't get out of control until years later.
When I graduated from high school I took on my love of performing. I was always a singer and actress and decided to get involved with a talent agency. Through them I became a model and gogo dancer. And the smaller the uniforms got...the less I ate. And the less I ate the more the binge urges came. At this point I was just restricting my food and working out a lot. But once I turned 19 and got signed by a major wresting company, my bulimia sky rocketed.
My first binge was when I went to Florida on a quick trip to look for an apartment I was going to move into about two months later. After I was done with my day I went back to the hotel and decided to "treat" myself to some awesome food for a job well done. I ended up ordering 5 plates of different food and ate as much as I could. At the time it was an amazing, fun and numbing experience. It numbed my fear of not being good enough for this huge corporation I was starting to work for. Numbed my fear of a new city and new people, and numbed the constant thoughts in my head "you are too fat."
When I was finally working for the company and a regular character on their shows I was juggling hardly eating, to only eating "clean" foods, to binging maybe about once a week. And after a binge I would follow it up with a super long cardio session and fasting. This seemed to maintain my weight and on certain days I would even drop a couple pounds at a time with the lack of food and constant exercise. However one binge slowly turned into two per week, into three times a week and eventually I could not get though one day without gorging myself with fast food. I was gaining weight and tried to increase my already exhausting training schedule. When that wasn't good enough I turned to laxatives and thinspiration. I was consuming half a pack of laxatives a day and constantly filling my mind with destructive quotes and pictures of deathly skin and bone models. I was feeling miserable. My body could not go through the in-ring training I needed to participate in. I was having emotional breakdowns at work. I was lying to the people I loved and making scenes at work. Finally after almost injuring another wrestler along with my emotional and mental episodes, my trainer said that I needed professional help and if I didn't get it he would force the company to make me get help.
I hit my bottom. I checked into an in-patient rehab facility the next day and haven't looked back since. Through intensive therapy, lots of support from my family, friends and company, and most of all a higher power I call God; I have not been active in my bulimia for more than nine months.
I can honestly say that I am thankful for my bulimia because it brought me closer to God and has made me look at myself for who I truly am. I am ashamed of what I did when I was active in my disease but I am in love with myself for what I have done to make myself a better person. I have to wake up everyday and remind myself to accept who I am today (in a physical sense) and to embrace the person I am on the inside. Now when I look at myself I have more positive things to say than negative. My God, program of recovery and support system help me get through good times and bad and are helping with a new transition in my life.
When I went into rehab I made the decision to stop wrestling so I could focus on my recovery 100%. At the time I had no idea how to be an athlete and TV personality without dieting and constantly beating down my body. But through the months my passion is burning stronger than ever to fulfill my dream of becoming a WWE Diva in a HEALTHY way. Understanding that my body will never look like the girls I see around me but that I am unique and going to strive to be the best athlete I can be, and not what others or what my bulimia tells me I should be.
There is hope. Contact me here if you want to chat. Im here for people who want to get better!!!
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