I no longer even understand what I keep trying to gain from bingeing and purging and this I know means I have lost control. I can't afford treatment and i can't admit to my family because of the culture I come from. I need to move forward but I'm not able to forgive myself and let go of the past and this is why I keep going back. I've let my eating disorder define me in my own head and so it's been taking up too much of my head space and slowly it's spacing out everything else I love: friends, family, college, studying, reading, learning, traveling. It's covering up all of that. I get nervous about being alone and am afraid I will never find my significant other and I don't know how I've linked this to my body image. Also, I am afraid of getting fat and I know that this is a bit of a problem.
I know I need to forgive myself for this happening and understand that it isn't my fault. I need to move forward and let other things that truly matter occupy my head. I also need a healthy relationship with food. I need to stop defining food as bad or good or being in the constant diet mode. The dieting needs to stop completely.
And now it will. I am a cold turkey person and from this moment, I have decided, truly and completely., that I will not binge and purge again. Why, because it does not solve or make anything. Everything about it is wrong!
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