Can't find underlying cause of my bulimia
I've been throwing up usually five times a day for about two years now. Before that, it was and off and on thing with bulimia for about six years.
I want it to stop.
I am reading over this site right now, reading about underlying causes... I can't find mine.
When I binge: I can be in a room full of friends. I get a craving. "HEY GUYS LETS GET PIZZA!". Not bored, not anxious, not lonely, not stressed.
When I get home, I head straight for the cupboards, without fail, every single night. I don't even realize I'm doing it until I've already shoved a few random handfuls of food in my mouth, and then what's the point in stopping? (I'm trying not to think like that any more).
Maybe I'm stressed from work? But then, why is it that I can ignore an apple crisp sitting out all day at work? I don't know. I just get cravings to chew and then I binge.
I can't figure it out.
The experiences you just describe are very common amongst bulimics - and are even similar to many of my own experiences... Often bulimia sufferers will never figure out exactly what caused their bulimia in the first place... And, they also find it hard to figure out what is causing them to binge and purge...
The reason for this is that once upon a time - there would have been triggers - reasons for you to start restricting your food (which leads to binge eating), to resort to food for comfort, to focus on weight for control and so on... But, as the years pass, those reason may have faded away - become completely insignificant - and what you've been left with is a habit... But not just any old habit... A habit that has carved pathways into your brain through years of repeating the behavior...
BUT, the good news is - a habit can be changed... One of the best ways I found to eventually end the habit of thinking "I want to eat" when I wasn't hungry was through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and distraction. I mention a little more about CBT here and link to some books about it on this page
My bulimia habit was so severe that it took 9 months of hard work before I managed to have my first binge and purge free day! But - that first day was the start of a whole new life... Gradually, old habits (pathways in my brain) were dropped and replaced with healthy and happy pathways.
Stephanie - I hope this helps! If you have any other questions, please ask.. In the meantime, I wish you health and happiness!
Return to Bulimia questions.