Bullimic to prove I am not Anorexic
When I was younger I was embarrassed of my weight, always slightly chubbier than other people. I decided that my diet was to blame (as it was) and became extremely conscientious of what I ate. I had lost a large amount of weight, and was happy, but then the weight continuously fell off and rumors of me being anorexic started to circulate. Although I was eating healthy amounts of food, I became extremely paranoid of what people thought of me, so I began to eat more food to try and put weight on and prove that I was eating.
My first purge were bowls of cereal, simply because my stomach could not hold anything in. Since then I have stepped up the ante, eating absolutely anything I can get my hands on. I will eat practically the whole contents of the kitchen and then go and replace all the food before my partner comes home. Even going to the effort of putting a new bread loaf in an the older packaging so the expiry date stays the same. It is an expensive habit! I have gained a significant amount of weight, but that does not concern me as much as my health. I know that my health is deteriorating. I have had four fillings (my teeth were always perfect and strong), I feel weak and tired with bags under my eyes, and have stretch marks from the rapid weight gain. I have missed social outings, university and work to stay at home and binge and purge. But what hurts the most is how unhappy I am with myself. Writing this makes me feel as though I will cry. I have lost so much confidence within myself that I feel uncomfortable to be with my partner, especially after I have eaten. The self loathing has also made me jealous and insecure, I cannot stop comparing myself to other women, although I know this is so stupid to do.
It has been around 4 years since my first cereal binge and the amount of food and money I have selfishly wasted makes me so embarrassed and angry. I can not stop. Every day I think I will. I mark a day when I do not binge (5 days are my max) but I always do it again. I wish I could go back in time to when I first purged and stop myself from doing it again. What gives me comfort is reading other people's stories and seeing the similarities, but also the success they have had. It gives me hope.
Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Bulimia Stories.