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Being Bulimic: The Dark Secret I hid From the Love Of My Life...

I'm sitting here at my boyfriend, Toms house... Remembering my bulimic days.... I'm having a cup of peppermint tea and 2 pieces of toast. I'm having fun - even though I'm all alone. I'm feeling relaxed.

But... I remember a time when I couldn't possibly relax here. Especially when I was left alone.

bulimic nightmare
Some of the food I could
always find in Tom's pantry

You see... His pantry is the type that both terrifies and excites bulimic people! It's stuffed to the brim with buns, biscuits, chocolates, sweets, chips, spreads and so on.

When I was left alone here, I'd be in the pantry in a flash. I felt at ease binging because there was SO much food... It was unlikely my binge would be noticed. I'd eat and eat and eat... My brain would flick off and I would chow down everything in sight.

I'd phone Tom from time to time to see if he was on his way home. To know if I could eat more, or if I should throw up without delay. Of course I'd make up some other excuse - I miss you, I love you, I just wanted to say hi.

Once my binge was over, I'd quickly go and throw up. I'd rinse my mouth out, brush my teeth and wipe my face... Then walk away as though I had never done anything out of the ordinary.

I was exhausted... My heart was pounding, my throat was burning... But - I hid it all. I was fine.

When Tom arrived back home - he was none the wiser. I'd have a meal waiting for him, a movie to watch and a blanket to snuggle on the couch.

I was the perfect girlfriend... With a very dark secret.

When Tom Discovered I was Bulimic

My worst nightmare was Tom discovering my bulimia. He was my breath of fresh air, he was the absolute love of my life. Tom thought I was perfect - and I wanted it to stay that way.

That's why when he said this to me one day...

Shaye, do you sometimes throw up after you eat?

My life felt as though it was falling apart. I felt as though I was made of ice and somebody had put a blow torch on me.

I had no other choice but to tell him the truth. Of course I only gave him the most basic of my bulimia info... I spared him from the details and the true degree of my illness!

I told him I threw up about once a day. The truth was about 15 times that amount!

Tom wasn't angry or disappointed... He just felt sad for me.

Tom knew my secret... But, guess what?

Opening Up About My Bulimia Made Our Relationship Even Stronger!

bulimic nightmare
Tom and me (above) Our relationship
is now stronger than ever!

Funnily enough, when Tom learnt I was bulimic, it was a turning point in our relationship. I slowly began to open up to him. Our relationship became deeper and more real.

Tom said that he used to feel I was hiding something from him, that the Shaye he knew wasn't 100% real. He couldn't have been more right...

My life was an act - a constant and exhausting attempt to hide my bulimia.

Once I stopped acting, I could slowly let the real me shine through. I had forgotten who I was when I was bulimic... But, as I began to recover and open up about my illness, the old Shaye started coming back...

And, I learnt to love myself again. Cheesy but true!

Opening Up About Being Bulimic Saved My Life

Gradually I realized that people wouldn't hate me if I was bulimic. I realized that I could open up to people I trusted - and they would still respect me. I realized that people aren't as judgmental and as critical as I'd grown to believe.

The more I talked about my bulimic experience, the more I felt able to conquer it...

I began to understand that bulimia was not everything about my life... It was but a small part of my life...

A small part that I could beat.

And... I did beat bulimia!

4 years Bulimia Free!

Tom discovered my bulimic secret 5 years ago. A year later I had fully recovered. Now, 4 years down the track I am still 100% free of bulimia. I don't binge and I don't purge.

Eating normally now comes naturally.

Never allow yourself to think that bulimia is a lifelong illness. It's not! You can make a complete recovery from bulimia - just as I did. I am more certain of that than anything!

My Challenge to You...

Sharing your story is an important part of recovery. So...

My challenge for you is to share your bulimic story in a letter to somebody you trust.

BUT, before you do that...

Break the ice by sharing it online... A practice draft of what you'll write in your letter...

It doesn't have to be perfect... Just try to get the main points out. What you want people to know, how you feel, what your fears are...

I'll comment on it and give you any pointers or advice I can think of.

You may not realize it yet - but this will be an important step in your bulimia recovery...

Name Your Letter. For example: Mom, I'm Bulimic

Click here to expand the form and complete your letter...

Bulimia Letters Other Visitors Have Written...

Click below to see letters from other visitors to this page...

My Secret
I'm 23 years old and I've been bulimic for 6 years now, and it feels like for ever. There have been periods with in those 6 years that I stopped the vicious ...

Why I've been hiding
I feel like everything else in my life is out of control and the only thing I can control is my eating, but I can't not eat and then I feel so guilty when ...

Dear Tom
I have a secret. Many secrets. When I don't come over because I have stuff to get done it is almost always because I have time alone and want to binge ...

I'm Egyptian and bulimic!!!!!!!!
I'm 21, I've been bulimic for 4 years and it's just impossibble for me to tell anyone about my eating disorder simply because no one will understand :( sometimes ...

Someone who truly cares for me
Shaye and friends,

I have been bulimic for more than 10 years.....It all started when I was 14 as I had been dieting for more than a year. I was a chubby ...

Dear Perfection
Dear perfection, dear carelessness, dear AnaMia,

I have done all this for you. I used to think being skinny will make me perfect, which will make me ...

Should I tell?
To Someone,

I don't know how to start or wether anyone will read this, or indeed wether getting this out will help... Sometimes I feel so alone, I cry ...

living a lie - bulimia
I had always been a thick girl. I was averaging X in a 5"5 body. I had my concerns with my weight but never really made a ordeal over it. I joined the ...

Time to be honest about bulimia
This letter is almost a prelude for what I might (and certainly should) say to my mother. I suffered from bulimia 3 years ago, for about a year, before ...

Scared I'm going to die and leave my child behind....
I have been bulimic for about 8 or 9 years now. I remember the first time I threw up, I had only eaten beans on toast but I felt just a little bit too ...

Dear Stranger
I don't think I could tell anyone I'm Bulimic. I relate to a great deal of what I've read here and I've known for some time that I'm no longer in control....

Words I Can't Say
Mom and Dad,

I know you love me even though I guess we don't show it as much as we should. I know I'm your "perfect" child. I get good grades, I ...

Struggling with Recovery
I became bulimic at 17 (6 years ago). I went through phases of binging and purging throughout the years, some worse than others.

Driving was a time ...

a wife, mother, grandmother should know better...
Dear EVERYONE, I am embarrassed, ashamed and sad. I have been using laxatives in pill form, but now in "herbal tea" form. Each time I over eat and feel ...

About nine weeks free of binging or purging
Hi!

I feel absolutely amazing. Basically since my Mum found out I was bulimic and so I feel I can talk to someone, I haven't had any bulimic urge. Just ...

the bulimia keeps getting worse...
My first "binge and purge" took place at an all you can eat buffet. I enjoyed ALL the restaurant had to offer and then headed right to the bathroom. My ...

I am trying to handle this alone.
I have not binged/purged in 7 weeks and I am very proud. But the weight gain is taking all my joy for living away. My boyfriend can sense something is ...

some day soon
Hi all,

I have jst been reading all your stories and I think your all amazing and extreamly strong people.

I too am Bulimic and have been for 20 ...

MY BULIMIA STORY
I started and deleted the first sentence of this story a multiple times. That's the problem with me - beginnings are always difficult. I never know how ...

Please help im a bulimic...
Its been 10yrs from now since i've lost my weight. im bulimic. i am sad an i regret why i'm like this. since i was a child im overweight my classmates ...

Meghans Bulimia Story
I'm so sorry, Meredith, Ellen, Alex... and others who try to get close to me,

I am bulimic, and I feel like you probably have a feeling that I am....

Dear Loved Ones...
Everything that Glitters is not Gold, and I for one am an example of that...

For the past 4-5 years now, since I've lost my weight, I have been fighting ...

bulimia took away my passion.....
Hi I am 20 years old and from the uk.

I have been suffering from bulimia since I was 16.

I have always danced since the age of 4 and at 15 I realised ...

BABY.....I AM BULIMIC!
Baby....I am so sorry..I have lived a lie....I have a secret life....I have been living with bulimia for 13years...It has robbed me of so much, dented ...

To everyone I care about and love, I'm Bulimic
5 years ago is were this disorder took over my life. I suffered chronically from the nightmare of Bulimia. From being only 56 kg originally, bulimia took ...

My letter to dad telling him I'm bulimic.
I've written this letter out and I'm going to give it to my dad tonight.

To my amazing Dad.

I know I'm you're little girl and you think I'm strong ...

Dad, Its me... Not rated yet
I've been your dearest daughter for the past 22 years but for the past 5 years i've been hiding an alien version of me that seems to be taking over more ...

I just felt sad.. and I hope I'm recovered Not rated yet
I have been bulimic for almost 9 years. I never new what bulimia or anorexia means. It just started when I was 20 and traveled abroad for work (for 7 months)...

my sad demon Not rated yet
Hi.. I´m a danish, 36 years old girl.
This is big for me to write about my disease.
I have been bulimic for about 20 years and I feel like two persons....

Tom, I'm Bulimic (letter written in Russian) Not rated yet
Дорогой Том,
Я пишу тебе потому что мне некому написать больше. Мой друг не такой понимающий, он знает, что у меня булимия, но у него нет достаточно понимания ...

Ruler of my life Not rated yet
I have been off and on with my bulimia since i was grade six, which is four years today, I'm a grade ten girl that had a horrible start to a middle school ...

Please don't be mad. Not rated yet
I want to write you this letter to tell you something huge. A really big secret that I've kept from everybody for a while. I'm bulimic. I make myself throw ...

I am Bulimic Not rated yet
I know when I became Bulimic, I didn't really know what was happening to me but I know exactly where and when it all started. I am now 30 going on 31 and ...

to my listeners Not rated yet
“What’s wrong?” I hear from behind
Mommy’s asking me
My face turns ghostly white
“Nothing, just leave me be”

I walk down the hallway
Close the bathroom ...

Dear Fred, I'm Bulimic Not rated yet
Hi.

I know it's been a while since I talked to you directly. It seems as though I only ever do when I'm in need of you, when I can't go to anyone, for ...

I'm falling apart Not rated yet
Dear my family, I'm sorry that I have let something so terrible take over my life. I have an eating disorder that is slowly killing me and I don't know ...

I'm So Sorry I Never Told You Mom Not rated yet
I know when you read this Mom, you'll tell me I shouldn't be sorry for these things, they're not my fault, that I'm fine the way I am, but I need to say ...

Dear Boobear Not rated yet
This is the hardest and most embarrassing thing in the world to admit. However, your suspicions were right. I know you asked my mother a couple of months ...

I purge to fill a void. Not rated yet
I always feel lonely. More so now than before. I usually stick to restricting, but these days I'm so busy that I don't need to. So other than work, there ...

im bulimic but i fnd it hard to tell anyone Not rated yet
i remember when it first started and now i find it hard to remember what i was like before hand. it was 2 years ago. my partner at the time went overseas ...

I need help with bulimia Not rated yet
Katie,
I've been bulimic off and on for almost 8 years. I can't keep the secret anymore and don't want to scare you away or make you feel responsible ...

I beat bulimia using the recovery tips I've shared in my free video course... They will help you recover too!

bulimia

Here are some of the tips you'll learn in my video course:

How to break the habit of your binge and purge cycle
How junk food can actually help end binge urges!
How to deal with recovery weight gain and how you can lose some of it in a natural and healthy way... (like I did)
How to feel less alone in your bulimia recovery journey
5 ways to avoid meal time binges
How to get into a routine of normal eating again

To receive a link to these videos plus my bi-monthly newsletter containing recovery advice and inspirational stories, just fill out your name and email address below...

Return from Bulimic to Your Bulimia Recovery homepage...

I have had an eating disorder for eight years. I have been in intensive outpatient therapy, private and group therapy, but the Bulimia Recovery Program is a tool that I can use myself, at anytime, and it puts my recovery back into my hands.
- Fleur
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It is wonderful to read the loving and supportive comments others in the community give and the structure eating and distraction tools are simple to use and practical.
- Fleur
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I cannot understate the power of Shaye's real and matter of fact advice and her simple, but constant message that "she has recovered and I can too." This message is more valuable that I can say.
- Fleur
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I can honestly say that I would not be where I am today without The Bulimia Recovery Program...
- Laci
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What I found was the greatest community of people and the largest support network I have ever had the privilege of being a part of.
- Laci
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The people in the community build each other up, show each other love and encourage the positive behaviors that have helped me each day on this recovery journey.
- Laci
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I can say, without a doubt, that I'm am further along in my recovery as a result of being a part of this program.
- Laci
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I am so thankful that Shaye has created this family that has allowed me to receive the support I would have never had if I had continued on my own.
- Laci
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The Bulimia Recovery Program has been an absolute blessing in my life! The support of the people here are amazing and have greatly helped me in my journey of recovering.
- Becky
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I have long been looking for a place of refuge, a place where I could feel safe, supported and encouraged-and this is the place!
- Becky
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I feel I can open up freely and receive the emotional support I have long been waiting to find.
- Becky
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Best of all, on the site you can be 'anonymous' and still feel welcome because everyone here understands your journey, having been down the same road.
- Becky
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The Guide, along with the support tools are awesome! Understanding bulimia, the cause of it, and the way out of it have opened my eyes to what I never understood before about the disorder!
- Becky
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The program as a whole is complete and encompasses the means of a way to recovery. I am in my third month of recovery and I never thought I would EVER get this far! One day used to seem impossible, now I know complete healing is possible.
- Becky
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Thank you Shaye, for creating this wonderful community, a place of warmth and refuge-an oasis in the desert. I am getting there day by day, and this recovery program is the shining light I have been waiting for!
- Becky
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The Bulimia Recovery Program has truly been a blessing in my life in SO many ways...
- Sara, Colorado, USA
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I was always too afraid or embarrassed to see an actual therapist for my disorder, but Shaye has created a safe haven in which I was truly able to take those first steps towards recovery.
- Sara, Colorado, USA
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Shaye gives you SO many tools to help make the whole process as easy as possible with a deeply insightful recovery guide, structured eating plans, distraction tools, binge trackers, and a whole private community of other people also battling bulimia that you can lean on for support!
- Sara, Colorado, USA
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This program has made a huge impact in my life and I am grateful to be part of such a wonderful community and to have made friends with some pretty amazing people!"
- Sara, Colorado, USA
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